United fan, blogger and good friend of Bifurcated Paul Gunning (
@PaulGunning1, The Right Irreverend Blogger) was not being Tobey Maguire by double-bluffing and being all Tobey Maguirey on his avatars and such, when Kirsten Dunst burst on set dressed as The Bifurcated Train. Wait! No! It was The Bifurcated Train dressed as Kirsten Dunst. Wait! No! etc… Whatevs…
The conductor asked him “what it was like being Spiderman and that, and if it got hot in that costume on set?”, then threw the £1 coin off to the side , so Paul could catch it with his spidey-webby-hand thing.
There was only one train waiting to depart, there was only one destination …
As Paul got off the train at the other end he was shoved towards the car park and the now familiar car-boot sale with the stall, run this time by someone who looked suspiciously like ex-Manchester United and St. Patrick’s Athletic player Paul McGrath! “Ooh” and indeed “aah”.
As is the format with this twisted nonsense, the character has a message: “Welcome to Canvey Island cds, tapes and vinyl. I’ve got to shift all these for a friend of a friend after a miscommunication over some blah-blah-blah, anyhow, won’t bore you with the blah-blah-blah, this surreal blah-blah-blah, puts people off visiting this site as it is … We have every single ever pressed or recorded in stock, and at 5 for £1, you can enjoy picking your 5 favourites of all time?!”
“I could’ve picked Bob Dylan songs alone, and still struggled to choose just five. For me, Bob Dylan is more than just a singer/songwriter; he’s royalty. Actually, he’s more than that. He’s as close to a prophet as it’s possible to be. In fact, I think he may be an actual prophet.
“Is there a better, more powerful opening to an album than this?
“I wanted to include a blues track. But there are so many, and I couldn’t pick between the likes of Robert Johnson, Howlin’ Wolf or Sonny Boy Williamson.
“The Velvet Underground had to be included in this list.
“This is the most difficult track to choose. Think about all the great bands, artists and music that have enhanced your life over the years. Then imagine having to choose between them.
For me, this is as close to musical perfection as it’s possible to get. It never fails to move me, despite my having listened to it thousands of times. There’s a haunting, other-worldly quality to it, and Smith’s vocal never fails to bring tears to my eyes.“
Just before Paul headed back to the platform the Paul “look-a-like” stallholder pointed him in the direction of the old abandoned book stall and asked him to pick out a book, for free, for the journey home.
“It was a hell of a difficult decision, choosing between this and Leo Tolstoy’s ‘War and Peace’ (and I’m not being pretentious; that really is in my top three books of all time).
To submit your own five favourite singles of all time and take part in our nonsensical train trip thing, email us at: