The Z Factor: The Final!
Now next on the Bi-Player it’s the live Z-factor final (warning- contains strong language) … If you want you can sing along in your head with the theme tune. What? You don’t know the theme tune? Well imagine a parallel world where a progamme with an almost indentical format to the Z-Factor using a similarly alphaebtically unpopular letter existed and imagine what the theme to that might be … that’s it…
♪♫ De De De De De De De De…
♪♫ De De De De De De De De…
♪♫ De De De De De De De De…
♪♫ De De De De De De De De…
♪♫ De De De De De…
♪♫DE!♪♫
This next bit is the ‘voice over guy’.
Again, if you can imagine he’s the one from the show we’ve imagined previously then that would be great…
WELCOME TO THE Z FACTOR LIVE FINAL!!!!
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HERE IS YOUR HOST…RED FERGIE!!!!
*The huge stage door opens and Red Fergie
emerges waving at the audience. As he
reaches the final step it's apparent some
of the show's dancers are lurking in the
sidelines dressed as United midfielder
Anderson. They synchronise their steps
forward with Red Fergie then, in unison
they all replicate Anderson's 'samba style'
celebration as they approach the front
of the stage*
.OCH! Welcome everyone to the final of the Z Factor! A construct of the p.r and marketing men here at Manchester United Ltd, reinforcing social stereotypes while exploiting and humiliating the unintelligent public in the hope that as a result of their socio-constructed vulnerabilities, they will spend a shed load of money on our product, a product that doesn’t actually exist, it’s just a brand.
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(?)
OCH AYE!! IT’S THE Z FACTOR!!!!
YEAH!
Let’s meet our Z Factor judges…
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BRETT BURGERS!
DAVID!
FABIEN!
AND MALCOLM GLAZER!
*sound of fans being sick*
*The judges emerge from the giant screen in a line.
At the foot of the steps the judges stop at their
pre-determined markers and as the camera pans from
right to left the judges react thus...*
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*Malcolm Glazer gives a big 'Tommy Two-Thumbs'
to the crowd. Takes a wedge of money from
pocket and gestures in a mock fanning
motion that he's hot!*
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*David gives a reluctant awkward smile. He's not a fan of reality T.V and his smile lets us know that the very idea of taking part in this show has caused a little part of him to die inside* . .
*Fabien stands motionless for a second then cups his ear to the crowd. As they cheer, he grabs his trousers around the pocket area and delivers upon himself the hugest of wedgies* . . .
*Brett Burgers dusts off his shoulder similar to something he'd seen pop star Usher do once. He used do this as a goal celebration as an amateur footballer and he's convinced the joke is that it's 'meant' to look awkward, like someone 'trying to be cool'. Either way he still looks like a jerk*
OCH! Now let’s introduce our Z Factor finalists…
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*The crowd just scream all the way through this section*
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For Malcolm and the Groups it’s Zeki, Clevz, and Hernandez … DreamZ!
For Brett and the Boyz … Welbz!
AND WAZZA!
And for Fabien and the overs, in brackets nutjobz … Tomasz!
*The finalists emerge from the big screens and congregate at the front of the stage. Passing each other nervous sideways glances and waving to recognised loved ones in amongst the crowd*
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*The crowd still screams, while the judges applaud them*
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Och! After the break we’ll be seein’ those DreamZ boys, and a special wee performance from Wazza. Hurry back!
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♪♫ De De De De De De De De…
♪♫ DE ♪♫
AVAILABLE from Bi-Tunes the perfect gift for Tony. V fans this Christmas…
This message goes out to my main man Tony V,uh. My analogue monologue, uh. Peace!
*The looped sample to the opening bars of Dire Straits's Money For Nothing fades in...*
I want my…I want my…I want my…I want my Man, T.V…
Featuring Faux Andy Cole...
Wha?
YO! My T.V RAP out NOW!
Not arrogant…
(Together with United Fans)
.
.
.
Just Better!
(Together with United fans)
YO! My T.V RAP out NOW!
When William Archibald Spooner stood at his big tall desk and first uttered a spoonerism he couldn’t have possibly imagined it would cause such a stir…
It’s the…
The ULTMATE United all time spoonerism XI
Pike Strartner?
Mentre Cid?
Find out who made the…
ULTIMATE! United all time spoonerism XI of all time ever!
Available on the Bi-player now!
Still available on the Bi-Player, the game show for all the family…
‘In A Word’.
Och! Welcome to ‘In a Word’… The one word based game show where we show William how much our Words-worth and with our word of mouth reputation you’ll be wordpressed to find a crossword about us … Word!
Play along at home…
PILLOCK!
A show for all the family…
#RockAByeBaby
‘In A Word’!
YEAH!
**What Chicha's really saying during his pre-match prayer**
…WTF!…
♪♫ De De De De De De De De…
♪♫ De De De De De…
♪♫ DE ♪♫
Och! Welcome back to the Z FACTOR FINAL!
*Endless screams at every word*
Och, okay let’s not waste any mooor time. I’ll be keepin an eye on my watch … Malcom can yooo introduce your act…
SURE! AWESOME SOCCER BOSS GUY! WHEN I LOOK AT THESE GUYS I SEE DOLLAR SIGNS!! IT’S … DREAMZ!!
*Few audience boos and general indifference...until the mention of DreamZ and then pandomonium*
We really want this more than anything in the world ever…
I think I want it more than that…
Yeah, more than that again.
I’d die for it...
I’d die twice actually…
I mean’t I’d die an inifinite amount of times…
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Yeah, inifinity plus one for me…
We really want this…
Yeah…
Yeah.
*All start crying together and hugging*
-Voice over guy (remember him?)-
IT’S … DREAMZ!
*As the studio lights go down DreamZ come up through the floor and shape themselves, approximately 10 metres apart, in 'mock celebration' poses and hold them. You can see they are nervous - Clevz and Hernandez are both on crutches and shuffle awkwardly trying to hold position* *The crowd calms to a low buzz after incessant shrills*
. . *The audience gasps and the studio lights come back up* .
Yeah!
Och! Okay David coming to you first…
What exactly am I talking about? I mean what’s the premise? What does the Z Factor even mean? How did they get this far? How did they qualify? Did they qualify? Am I missing something? I’m pretty sure this doesn’t make any sense at all?
*David looks to Brett for an answer*
*GULP!*
Well, erm it’s the players who have a letter ‘Z’ in their name or nickname. Erm, they then perform a famous celebration of their own or they do a cover version of somone elses. Then we decide who’s got the Z factor!
*David says nothing just stares blankly*
*GULP!*
And this is going on the site?
*Nods*
Can we have a word when this is finished?
*More high pitched than normal* Yeah, sure.
Och! When yooo tooo have finshed yer woman’s weekly meetin’ can we get on with it … DAVID?!
Erm … Pass
Och! Okay, fer enuff! Fabien…
Listen to the crowd DreamZ…
*The stage director puts the 'Cheer' board up quickly*
Yeah!
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Listen to that… the audience loves you guys! You made a little mistake, but you guyz want this so bad … you work harder than anyone else in the competition. You nailed it! Even though you did a little mistake. CONGRATULATIONS!
*The DreamZ boyz pat each other on the back and grin like cheshire cats*
Yeah!
Och, okay, Brett coming to you…
I don’t know what Fabien was watching there. That was totally the wrong celebration choice for you...
*The low level buzz from the crowd turns to boos and the DreamZ boyz on the stage look uncomfortable and upset*
BOO!
Look … it’s true … we’re looking for a regular first team artist. That was just boring and predictable for me. Sorry boys, you know I’ve said before I like you, but that’s just…
*The crowd intermittently boo as Brett speaks ...Then Malcolm Glazer cuts in...*
DREAMZ! You are on the MONEY! I would pay to see you. When I see you I can’t help but see DOLLAR signs! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SOCCER GUYZ PICK UP THE PHONE AND SPEND ALL YOUR CASH VOTING FOR THESE GUYS PICK UP THE PHONE GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!
*The Boyz huddle together and stick their thumbs up at Malcom, whilst smiling and laughing*
Och, okay, cheers boyz. DREAMZ everybody?! Now Brett, let’s come to you for the first of the boyz…
*The Dreamz boyz leave the stage waving at the crowd as they go*
Okay, well … this fella needs no introduction…
*Silence*
Okay … I’ll introduce him then, but it kind of negates the sentiment of my original introduction. Anyway… it’s WAZZA!!!
When me dad said he was obviously getting investigated for gambling offences I was obviously absolutely gutted…
I was obviously devastated … I obviously lost my form and obviously thought I’d never get a second chance…
This is obviously my last chance to make him proud of me obviously…
I obviously might never get a chance like this again obviously…
It’s obviously almost now or never…
Obviously failure is obviously not really an option.
*Wazza then starts crying, obviously*
IT’S…WAZZA!
*The stage has been dressed with cardboard figures of City and United players. There's no sign of Wazza anywhere. The audience can't stand the tension**Wazza then appears high in the studio rafters in a harness, upside down, creating a frozen still of an over-head kick. As he's lowered towards the stage floor the floodlights light the pitch*
*As he touches down, he seemlessly
flips over backwards, unclipping
the harness and running toward
the edge of the stage where he
turns his back to the crowd and
flips his arms back above his
shoulders - A 'camera man'
approaches and he obliges by
shouting "WHAT, EFFIN! WHAT!!!!!*
BOO! YEAH!!
*The celebration splits the audience*
Och, okay, Malcolm coming to you first…
DREAMZ! You are on the MONEY! I would pay to see you. When I see you I can’t help but see DOLLAR signs! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SOCCER GUYZ PICK UP THE PHONE AND SPEND ALL YOUR CASH VOTING FOR THESE GUYS PICK UP THE PHONE GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!
(?)
*All the judges look puzzled*
(?)
OCH! I’ll have whatever he’s having, hey?! Och, okay David…
This is really going on the site? Erm … pass.
Wazza we know what to expect from you it’s always going to be really well performed but I’d like to see you doing something different. Maybe something a bit less aggressive. I don’t think that was your best performance. Brett should really be showing us that you can be more versatile…
*Low hum from the crowd of a boo and laughter mix*
Wazza don’t listen to any of that … that wasn’t just performance of the night so far … THAT WAS PERFORMANCE OF THE CENTURY!!! Okay the first act were on crutches, and there has never been a Z factor before, but hey…you made it your own with the little twist at the end … even though it was your own to begin with. Your Dad should get down those bookies and put a bet on you, to show you just how proud he is! THAT WAS AMAZING! Well done.
*Wazza winks and smiles at his mentor, Brett*
Och! So, Wazza what did you think abooot that feedback, some great comments from the judges, well, your mentor…
Obviously really pleased. I really enjoy performing in front of a crowd and obviously hopefully can continue doin it for City or Real Madrid next year…
WHAT!
United … I mean United…
BOO!
*Wazza makes a sharp exit with his head down*
Och! We’ll be back right after this…
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(Voice over guy again)
IT’S COMPETITION TIME!
YOU CAN WIN THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME…
OUR SPONSORS WILL DELIVER YOUR PRIZE DIRECT TO YOU!
YOUR CHANCE TO HAVE MORE STUFF THAN YOUR FRIENDS HAVE GOT!
ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS ANSWER THIS QUESTION…
WHAT IS THE NEXT WORD THE CROWD SING…
OOH AAH CANTONA, OOH AAH…
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IS IT…
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A) CANTONA?
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B) Ooooh ahh. Come on and shine (shine) like a star…?
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or C) oooooo aaaahh ah ah Oooooh fffffff that needs a bit more cold in there!?
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See terms and conditions before applying but it’s just the usual stuff so I’d ignore it if I were you!
.
♪♫ De De De De De De…
♪♫ DE ♪♫
AVAILABLE from Bi-Tunes the perfect gift for Tony. V fans this Christmas…
This message goes out to my main man Tony V,uh. My analogue monologue, uh. Peace!
*The looped sample to the opening bars of Dire Straits's Money For Nothing fades in...*
I want my…I want my…I want my…I want my Man, T.V…
Featuring Faux Andy Cole...
Wha?
YO! My T.V RAP out NOW!
Not arrogant…
(Together with United Fans)
.
.
.
Just Better!
(Together with United fans)
YO! My T.V RAP out NOW!
When William Archibald Spooner stood at his big tall desk and first uttered a spoonerism he couldn’t have possibly imagined it would cause such a stir…
It’s the…
The ULTMATE United all time spoonerism XI
Pike Strartner?
Mentre Cid?
Find out who made the…
ULTIMATE! United all time spoonerism XI of all time ever!
Available on the Bi-player now!
Still available on the Bi-Player, the game show for all the family…
‘In A Word’.
Och! Welcome to ‘In a Word’… The one word based game show where we show William how much our Words-worth and with our word of mouth reputation you’ll be wordpressed to find a crossword about us…Word!
Play along at home…
PILLOCK!
A show for all the family…
#RockAByeBaby
‘In A Word’!
YEAH!
**What Chicha's really saying during his pre-match prayer**
…WTF!…
♪♫ De De De De De De De De…
♪♫ De De De De De…
♪♫ DE ♪♫
OCH! Welcome back to the Z factor final!!
YEAH!
OCH! Okay by my watch we’re already a wee bit behind. So … Fabien we’re coming to you…
Well he’s singing for the whole polish community in this country, so get behind him guys … It’s Tomasz!
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Well, I don’t want to say I’ve been treated badly and deserve to win…
But the truth is I haven’t really been treated very well…
And as a result think I probably deserve this more than anyone else…
I’m not arrogant…
Just better
Ha Ha. I made a funny! See, I do have a great sense of humour.
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*Tomasz cries a single tear*
IT’S TOMASZ!!
*The whole arena is cloaked in darkness aside from the odd flash of cameras (what are they trying to capture?). You could here a pin drop. Then the sound of a 'jailor' echoing down a long corridor fades in on over the sound system. It's apparent that the jailor is jangling some heavy duty skeleton keys and begins unbolting a succession of prison doors*
*A spotlight reveals Tomasz in a contorted position on the floor and as he begins to stir it's made clear by some ham acting that he's in chains. As he gets to his feet he pauses, looks at the audience, then bursts out of his chains. With this the house lights come up and he springs forward into a cartwheel like Peter Schmeichel used to do, but not as good*
*CHUCKLE*
*The awkward silence is punctuated by Malcolm Glazer*
DREAMZ! You are on the MONEY! I would pay to see you. When I see you I can’t help but see DOLLAR signs! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SOCCER GUYZ PICK UP THE PHONE AND SPEND ALL YOUR CASH VOTING FOR THESE GUYS PICK UP THE PHONE GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!
(?)
*Again all the judges look puzzled -
*This time even the crowd feel uneasy*
(?)
And it’s definitely going on the site all this?! I’ll pass again.
Tomasz, Tomasz. I’ll be honest with you, I just don’t get it. It was the wrong celebration choice … it’s not even a very good celebration. I know you picked it yourself and it’s one of your favourites that means a lot to you, but it really didn’t work for you tonight…
LISTEN … LISTEN…
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*Fabien makes various attempts to interrupt*
Let me finish … you just don’t connect with the audience. Let me finish. Let me … I thought the choreography was really poor, you just look really uncomfortable. You’ve got a Zed in your name, but that’s not enough for me. Really poor performance. What Fabien is letting you do pick that celebration. You haven’t got the Z Factor you’ve got the ZZZZzzzzzzz Factor!
LISTEN … LISTEN … Tomasz you’re your own man you wanted to pick your favourite celebration and you did. No one trains harder than you … even though you have been bullied by Wazza…
*The audience gasps* .
NO!
YES!
NO!
YES!
Look, he only called him ‘ornament head’ … have you looked at his head recently… it looks like an ornament…
Actually, now you mention it, it is a bit like an ornament…
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!
*Tomasz runs of stage with his head in his hands, wiping the tears from his face with his sleeve*
Och! Some people are sooo sensitive. Anyway, Brett yooour next act please…
It’s everyone’s favourite … WelbZ!
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Well, I’m still at home with my Mum and she’s really proud of me…
She still makes my packed lunch like she did when I went to school…
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If I don’t win the Z factor…
I’d be gutted…
Really gutted…
Absolutely really gutted
*WelbZ starts to cry*
IT’S WELBZ!
*The stage lights come up straight away and the stage is covered in women in just their scanties,painted head to toe in pure gold. They begin writhing around with effigy's of WelbZ*
*Out of nowhere some 'heavies' also painted gold appear with a sedan chair made of pure gold and with blacked out windows. As the chair swings round it reveals a diamond mosaic spelling out WelbZ*
*WelbZ appears from within the chair and discards his royal robes before launching into the celebration he did that time that made SAF spit blood*
OCH! YOU WEE *BEEEEPED OUT*!
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*The security attempt to tranquilise SAF as he attempts to tear Welbz apart with his bare hands* . .
——————————>
ARRRAGGH!
. . *WelbZ is ushered out of harms way*
*The audience can't believe it all - some start to wail*
DREAMZ! You are on the MONEY! I would pay to see you. When I see you I can’t help but see DOLLAR signs! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA H
A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!
*Suddenly Malcolm Glazer's head explodes*
*The crowd gasps*
*Mass hysteria breaks out*
AArararararagaghhhhhh!!
RAAAR!
*A Lizard slithers from within Malcolm Glazer's headless corpse, to shrieks from the audience! It turns and scuttles on to the main stage, before surveying the fearful onlookers and then disappearing back stage*
(Voice of Bi-Player controller)
Well we apologise for this break in service. We will have the rest of the Z factor final for you as soon as possible.
In the meantime, the voting lines are now open and here are those all important numbers…
♪♫ De De De De De…
♪♫ DE ♪♫
AVAILABLE from Bi-Tunes the perfect gift for Tony. V fans this Christmas…
This message goes out to my main man Tony V,uh. My analogue monologue, uh. Peace!
*The looped sample to the opening bars of Dire Straits's Money For Nothing fades in...*
I want my…I want my…I want my…I want my Man, T.V…
Featuring Faux Andy Cole...
Wha?
YO! My T.V RAP out NOW!
Not arrogant…
(Together with United Fans)
.
.
.
Just Better!
(Together with United fans)
YO! My T.V RAP out NOW!
When William Archibald Spooner stood at his big tall desk and first uttered a spoonerism he couldn’t have possibly imagined it would cause such a stir…
It’s the…
The ULTMATE United all time spoonerism XI
Pike Strartner?
Mentre Cid?
Find out who made the…
ULTIMATE! United all time spoonerism XI of all time ever!
Available on the Bi-player now!
Still available on the Bi-Player, the game show everyone’s talking about…
‘In A Word’.
Och! Welcome to ‘In a Word’… The one word based game show where we show William how much our Words-worth and with our word of mouth reputation you’ll be wordpressed to find a crossword about us…Word!
Play along at home…
PILLOCK!
A show for all the family…
#RockAByeBaby
‘In A Word’!
YEAH!
**What Chicha's really saying during his pre-match prayer**
…WTF!…
AVAILABLE from Bi-Tunes the perfect gift for Tony. V fans this Christmas…
This message goes out to my main man Tony V,uh. My analogue monologue, uh. Peace!
*The looped sample to the opening bars of Dire Straits's Money For Nothing fades in...*
I want my…I want my…I want my…I want my Man, T.V…
Featuring Faux Andy Cole...
Wha?
YO! My T.V RAP out NOW!
Not arrogant…
(Together with United Fans)
.
.
.
Just Better!
(Together with United fans)
YO! My T.V RAP out NOW!
When William Archibald Spooner stood at his big tall desk and first uttered a spoonerism he couldn’t have possibly imagined it would cause such a stir…
It’s the…
The ULTMATE United all time spoonerism XI
Pike Strartner?
Mentre Cid?
Find out who made the…
ULTIMATE! United all time spoonerism XI of all time ever!
Available on the Bi-player now!
Still available on the Bi-Player, the game show everyone’s talking about…
‘In A Word’.
Och! Welcome to ‘In a Word’… The one word based game show where we show William how much our Words-worth and with our word of mouth reputation you’ll be wordpressed to find a crossword about us…Word!
Play along at home…
PILLOCK!
A show for all the family…
#RockAByeBaby
‘In A Word’!
YEAH!
**What Chicha's really saying during his pre-match prayer**
…WTF!…
We are pleased to announce we can now return to the Z Factor final…
♪♫ De De De De De De De De…
♪♫ De De De De De…
♪♫ DE ♪♫
Okay, we’re erm … back, and *cough, sniffle*, scuse me, and erm … now we can erm … tell you … LINES, which I presume means telephone lines, ARE NOW CLOSED!!!! Is that right? Did I say that right. It’s telephone lines isn’t it? WHY? Why are they closed? What’s goin’ on? Is there somewhere*cough* scuse me, I can spend a penny round ere, eh?
*The progamme producer approaches and speaks in Red Phelan's ear*
Okay, okay, all the time later to spend a penny and all that yeah. Okay *cough, sniffle*, scuse me, Right let’s reveal who’s the winner of the Z Factor! ‘Z’? Is it not ‘X’? I thought it were X Factor?!
*Again the progamme producer approaches and speaks in Red Phelan's ear*
Okay, yeah , Sssshhhh, mums the word. Heh-Heh *cough, sniffle*, scuse me. Okay, erm … so I’ve got the results envelope in me and … wait, where’ve I put that now…
*As Red Phelan looks for the envelope the Z Factor finalists return to the stage with their mentors*
BRETT AND THE BOYS … WAZZA AND WELBZ!
…FABIEN AND TOMASZ!
*No sign of Tomasz, he's in his pyjamas and he's refusing to come out his dressing room*
…AND DREAMZ!
*The studio audience have already evacuated the building, so canned applause is piped in. The atmosphere is eerie. The finalists and their mentors stop at their designated marks and await the results*
Okay!*cough, sniffle*, scuse me, the winner of Z factor 2011 is…
*The studio lights go down*
*The finalist exchange nervous glances*
*The camera pans between them all as they fidget and continue exchanging glances*
Okay!*cough, sniffle*, scuse me, the winner is…
*Nervous shuffling continues*
*Shoe gazing and dry lips everywhere*
*cough, sniffle*, scuse me, IS…
*cough, sniffle*The Z FACTOR WINNER IS…
*Suddenly from back stage Red Fergie and Malcolm Glazer the lizard appear, tearing their way towards the contestants*
