Tomfurcated UniBen’s Minute-Bi-Minute Real-Time Matchday Adventure: City
We’re playing City? What’s all this business about Derby, then?
Today’s Match Pack: Our Manchester vs Manchester Preview
How do you do that thing where you makes the words bigger and differenter colours? And seriously, how good would it be if Optimus Prime was real? I’ve worked out how to do Italics.
Click that button at the top to change the colour. No, the other one. To make it biggerer is a skill I haven’t learned yet. Maybe try sitting closer.
Should we do some pre-amble? I can’t really be bothered but Redknapp is making my ears bleed. Did you see Emmerdale last week?
No. What’s it about?
(The boss wants to join in to keep an eye on us. If you see any words that aren’t black or red (possibly green), Tom and myself can’t be held responsible for the sudden drop in quality analysis.)
2 mins: Fellaini does a rabona but one of those ones where you do a little spinny thing instead. Quite funny.
3 mins: Kobe Bryant is talking about basketball throws or something. YAY! He’s changed to the football now. Although, I WAS starting to get into men’s netball.
8 mins: Aguero shoots, Dave saves with a wry smile and cheeky wink, almost to say “unlucky Sergio, it was a decent attempt but I’m afraid it wasn’t quite good enough to get the best of me”. But in Spanish. Its hard to tell to be honest.
9 mins: Great ball down the left wing side of the pitch thing for Angel Di Light, but he gives the ball away. Too easily if you ask me. You didn’t? Bugger off then.
12 mins: If there’s a team better at passing backwards I’d like to see them. Adnan gets fouled for being awesome.
Also 12 mins: That wasn’t a foul.
also 12 mins: I wasn’t watching.
16mins: 57% possession. Think that counts as a win whatever the actual result may be.
18 mins: Is it the law in Argentina that you have to have at least two haircuts at once?
23 mins: Dave has been glorious. City seem to have remembered they’re better than us which is literally the last thing we wanted to happen. And I believe so – amended in 1986 to commemorate some thing that happened there.
28 mins: It’s all a bit back and forth, up and down, side to side and to and fro in my honest opinion to be quite honest with you mate. Blind has just got stuck in and received some sort of gold star from the refereeer.
30 mins: I saw! And then Zabaleta did something similar and didn’t even get one! hahaha, loser. You got a PS4 yet? I think Joe Hart is as close to English Gob as you’ll find by the way.
33 mins: Great shout on the Gob thing. Did you see Smalling get a gold star just because Hart couldn’t run a different direction?
38 mins: Chris Smalling does something extremely silly. Can’t help but feel being a man down is going to hinder us in some way.
39 mins: It’s just a ruse. City will relax against ten men, and we’ll nick one on the counter. Oh, apparently this is Manchester City and not Bristol. Shite.
42 mins: Carrick. Unlucky City, you tried.
45 mins: It’s been a half of numbers: ‘Half’ is a number, well, it’s half of a number. 1, I think; 11 players minus Smalling = 10 numbers; 0 goals + 0 goals = the result I’d take at full time. Numbers, eh? Lovely stuff.
48 mins: Half time. Huge fan of bottling the penalty shout so lolz. Are we analysing the first half? For my part I genuinely believe we’re unlucky not be at least 4 up, despite what the stats may tell you. And I heard the jury was still out on “Stats”. Going to make a brew so if I don’t return tell everyone that story about that time you were raised by wolves.
50 mins: Can’t believe those two penalty decisions: we definitely should have had one for Demichelis overdoing his fringe. And for Joe Hart.
51 mins: Excellent stuff, Gaffer. Tom, your thoughts? Great, fantastic stuff. We’ll be back after these short messages.
Some point: My thoughts? often random, like just now when i thought about what to answer and then remembered this recurring dream I have where all this wooden furniture is just floating in my house and spinning and that. Can’t remember what else happens but I’m guessing its a fascinating glimpse into my psyche. What’s your favourite movie and why? Hi Brett!
52 mins: Realised Wayne’s problem – he keeps passing to where he thinks he is. He’ll get there. And helluva tackle on Yaya to be fair (ACTUAL FOOTBALL OPINION)
54 mins: Think its a mistake to keep turning our defenders into glass. And if Benno doesn’t come back I can’t have killed him because his house is 14 minutes away if you ignore the bus lanes. Which if you were gonna murder someone, you probably would because your moral compass is obviously skewed.
58 mins: I’m back. Went somewhere that didn’t involve finding out where Smalling lives so I could let him know that none of this is his fault. Apart from the first booking. And the second. And his face. Rojo’s Modern Life has gone off for a nap after sliding around like an around slider. Still 0-0.
60 mins: Aguero goes down again under no provocation and Michaal Carrick did in no way touch him
62 mins: Bugger.
64 mins: Johnny 2 hair cuts with the goal. Should’ve been a penalty in my opinion.
69 mins: One day, Valencia will surprise us when one of his crosses knocks the legs off the blocking defender and actually reaches the box. Not today, though.
70 mins: Yeah, anyway, the Dingles were involved in some kind of malarkey and one of them had kidnapped another lady but the lady wasn’t that bothered. And the shopkeeper from Shameless woman – the one who pronounces ‘home’ like ‘ohhhhhhhmmmm’ – she had problems as well. I mean, its no Eastenders the Phil & Grant years but its certainly comparable.
74 mins: Sounds better than this. Actually, even Gossip Girl is better than this. That’s a bit unfair: GG is so relatable because of all the super-wealthy youths and their day to day struggles with being super-wealthy. 4 stars.
77 mins: Rooney rolls back the years and then snaps back into the present with a comedic fall. Fellaini uses his face to snuff out any danger for a goal kick. Its textbook stuff. New Girl>>>>Gossip Girl
80 mins: Angel wastes a freekick, unless it was his plan all along to donate the ball to the crowd. RvP is coming off to be replace by a United u-11’s player. Golden Girls>>>>New Girl.
84 mins: Fellaini misses. The shockwaves are still being felt.
86 mins: Stay down, Wayne. Four years should do it.
90 mins: Shaw and Zabaleta shake hands after a manly tussle. Whatever else happens, I think football is the real winner here today. So that means City aren’t.
94 mins: Still 1-0. Pretty sure matches are only supposed to be 90 mins long so this game must be void. I blame City.
FT: Have reported Joe Hart to UEFA for shoplifting (an issue they take very seriously) They’re unfounded allegations obviously but whilst its being investigated, all points earned whilst he’s playing are null and void. And to further muddy the waters, I said he committed them in 1945. Bye.
79 mins: Nasri on for Rooney.
