Crystal Palace vs United
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Benno (@Benglorious)
What a week of stuff and things we’ve had in England. Chelsea scored an overall majority of goals in the politics so the country’s screwed for five or two or one years maybe three but probably no more than fifteen, some Taurus won the Premiership League despite nobody in the whole of the world voting for him, and someone gave their baby a name after stealing it off their mum and a spider.
Worse news was to follow when it was confirmed yesterday that United will be moving to Memphis at the end of the season Depay off some of their debt HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Best joke I’ve ever seen on this website tbh. This Memphis lad is a very special talent based on the forty seconds of highlights we’ve all watched, but the real test will be if he can extrapolate that into ninety minutes. I’m doubtful, but I wouldn’t be unhappy to see him score 2400 goals every game.
Prediction: United are in a massive slump having lost their last six hundred games in a row and only scoring minus-eighty goals in that period. Ha. “Period”. Vangle knows we need somewhere between two and thirty points from our final three games to secure a place in next season’s UEFA Champions Collection of Small Groups Which Then Progresses To Two-Leg Knockout Stages Except For The Final Oh And There’s Also Knockout Qualifying Rounds Before The Groups So It Should Never Have Been Called A League, so today’s team selection will reflect his determination to get the job done nice and early and not wait until the very end of the season like some idiot. Falcao finally finds some form as him and De Gea switch positions in what turns out to be the most genius tactic since Einstein was the first to fill in the middle square in noughts and crosses. Dave bags two goals, sets up Roonface for a third and gets a standing ovation as he is subbed off with five minutes to go. Falcao, after a couple of nervous mistakes, settles down to give a masterclass in goalkeeping: one-on-ones, dinks, top bang screamers, ackerpings, shanks, bananas, ricochets…. Nothing gets past him. Nothing. 1-0 Palace.
Memphis Depay’s first media interview after agreeing to join United this week was always going to be a big scoop amongst the world’s media outlets. There were none more surprised than me when I opened the door of Bifurcated Towers on Thursday afternoon and came face to face with our newest signing, grinning from ear to ear and carrying a gift of a KFC Family Bucket. I invited him in to watch Doctors, and we soon got into the topics that everyone was waiting to hear about: His favourite things are the sound of a snapping candle, Bonsai, and that bit from Crocodile Dundee where he throws the tin at the bag-snatcher – “The ‘that’s not a knife, this is a knife’ is many people’s favourite part of that excellent movie”, Memphis explains, “but for me, it’s always been about that majestic throw – so much risk to be doing this on a crowded street, the relaxed throw and then the casual modesty after. It’s incredible. It’s what made me want to become a footballer.”
(Big shout out to Vangle for giving me the opportunity to add some new material to the world-famous acrostic collection. I hope he signs at least forty new players next season so I can keep up the excellent work.)
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Tom (@tom_mcghee)
Have defected to go and watch a real sport. This one has oily muscles, fake tan and tiny underpants so it’s at least sixty times better than football where they have to wear shirts all the time.
Prediction: 1-0 Me.
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Brett (@FightInLaundryRoom)
I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really: Get busy living or get jiggy with it.
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