There’s something interesting to be said about international breaks. Not by me, though; I don’t get paid for that. We’ve just had a couple of weeks where England played somewhere between one and thirty games and probably won more than half of them. That’s the thing about statistics, any idiot with fingers can conjure something that seems to have relevance. That’s not to say that people without fingers can’t produce telling statistics – I’m no stumpist – it’s just that statistics need to be precise figures, and there’s more chance of error if you have a few digits missg.
Today’s game is all about statistics: Two teams, two goals, one stadium, one true religion; one ball, two kits, one heart, one real decision. Woah-woah-woah-woah-woah-woah-woah oh YEAH! oh YEAH! oh YEAH! Ruddy love Dire Straits, me.
Arsenal are the opponents. A quick scan of the Twitter tells me that they are good and bad, sometimes they win games and sometimes they lose them and sometimes they do neither which is known as “a draw”. They’re an unknown quantity except for the fact that everybody’s heard of them. Players to watch out for today include staunch war advocate and chicken magnate, Ian Wright (Yeah, that’s from the last preview. So what? You think I’ve got time to come up with fresh stuff every match?); all-round top bloke Piers Morgan, and; Dido, whom I’m assuming is a Brazilian playmaker.
Prediction: United only have two players available for selection this week due to a list of injuries that came straight from Darren “Sicknote” Anderton’s diary. This will lead to complacency from Arsenal. The two United boys (who won’t be named for their own protection – let’s call them “W. Rooney” and R. van Persie”… No, that’s too obvious, let’s call them “Wayne R.” and “Robin v P.”) will revel in the sympathetic space afforded them by the Gunners to fire us into a two-goal lead by the halfway point. The home side will realise their error after the break, but will do absolutely nothing as has been their want of late. It’s a clever tactic, just nobody knows why. Vangle will bring on a third player to shore things up at the back and United will keep a very welcome clean sheet. 1-0 Arsenal.
This week’s spotlight falls on Ander Herrera, who lists his likes as: CSI: Miami, the movies of Johnny Knoxville and chairing his local resident’s association
Tom is unavailable for comment this week. He was last seen locking himself in his lab muttering about how we’re “all going to pay. You’ll see.” In lieu of his preview, here’s a video of Tom having fun with children and animals:
Those of you familiar with Narsissus – a hunter from the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia – will know he was renowned for his beauty; he was almost as handsome as me and so therefore was really very handsome. Think Wayne Routledge’s eyes, nestled beneath Adnan’s eyebrows, with Pirlo’s bone structure x David Beckham – only handsomer than that.
When Narsissus wasn’t practising kissing on mirrors and falling into ponds and drowning himself, he played at left back for Arsenal, with Arsene Wenger handing him the captaincy during the Premier League seasons 4 bc and 1 bc. His parents Cephissus and Liriope were very proud of their beautiful baby boy and could often be seen at the Emirates singing the Genesis song Supper’s Ready to their son from the touchline (a song penned by Phil Collins, originally intended for his biggest fan Stevie G, until Phil was awkwardly reminded over tea by the other two that Stevie G wouldn’t be born for another one thousand nine hundred and eighty years). The legacy of Narsissus is that Arsenal fell in love with themselves, not realising they were merely an image.
And so to the present day…
A comprehensive trawl through Twitter has unearthed evidence pointing to the two teams having played each other before and members of both teams having scored goals against one another on many different occasions, so it’s not entirely clear whether the aggregate score will be taken into account, but hopefully away goals will count double.
Prediction: Danny to wake up on the bus to Carrington with a start and, as he stirs, he realises that all the members of the Arsenal squad were not really members of the Arsenal squad after all, but patrons of the bus. It was all just a dream. Snarf then removes his Steve Bould mask and Liono, Tygra, Panthro and Cheetara all laugh heartily. As the camera cuts away an unidentified figure throws a cat across the room and curses, “I’ll get you next time, Gadget”. I’m not sure who shot JR.