So (checks fixture list), Crystal Palace, eh? I really was unsure who we were supposed to be playing. That’s not apathy on my part towards the rest of our so far atrocious season. It genuinely feels like our last game was six months ago. I vaguely recall no goals in a game against a team whose record signing quite obviously practices penalties at Carrington. Time sure does drag when we’re not playing
I’ve done a little research on Crystal Palace as apparently that’s what writers are supposed to do. The key word there is “little”. I’m working on the assumption that their name has something to do with their stadium as it’s a bit weird to name a group of players after a type of building (see also: Newcastle and Aston Villa). My “research” has yielded two salient points: 1) It is NOT a palace; and, B) It’s NOT made of crystal. Not even quartz, which is the James Corden of crystal varieties. There’s probably not even a crystal meth dealer in the vicinity to help the fans having to watch “London’s Barcelona” week in, week out.
Yesterday (that’s two days ago if you’re reading this tomorrow), a lazy, disloyal and overweight prick (not James Corden) got a pay rise and job security for life. This was a very timely piece of news as I definitely need the extra money after Mr Bifocal said he’s having some cash-flow problems at the moment and to please stop calling him at home. Oh, and Rooney’s been all over Twitter after he signed his name for the first time, joined-up and everything.
Prediction: I’m gonna try and channel some of Tom’s cheerful optimism this week, think only positive thoughts about the game and stop myself sinking into abject realism. Now that Rooney can finally afford to provide for his family, he won’t feel performance pressure anymore. He’ll bag a hat-trick of goals, a hat-trick of final passes that lead to goals and a hat-trick of Man of the Match accolades. FT: 1-0 Palace
About the author: I really dislike James Corden.
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Prediction: 18:17 Oranges