FAC Final: United vs. Chelski (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GEDDIT?!)

 (@Benglorious)

The FA Cup final. Today is when we finally see the results of our 38 training matches this season culminate in a tactical masterclass, leading to United winning the most important, if not the only, trophy in European club football. Winning the FA Cup for the second time in his career will be Jose Mourinho’s crowning achievement, eclipsing Arsene Wenger’s paltry seven wins in the competition, and confirming the Special One as Manchester United’s greatest ever manager. I know this will be hard to take for fans of a certain Scotsman, but Moysey is a big number two.

Chelsea haven’t won anything of note for fuck knows how long, but still have the players to pull off a surprise: like not being racist or not celebrating 9/11 by getting their dick out at an airport hotel or not beating up a taxi driver. We can only wait and see which players turn up.

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Prediction: After a cagey start, United are galvanised into action by a first-half Chelsea goal, dominating the second half possession and creating plenty of chances against a lacklustre defence. Lukaku, back from his recent injury layoff, takes the game to his former employers with a man-of-the-match performance, while Pogba proves that he is a big match player, pulling all the strings in midfield from his favoured position. McTominay also has a great game, keeping Hazard in his pocket next to Kane in Smalling’s pocket which for some reason is also in Scotty’s pocket. Pocketception. BRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

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FA Cup final day. Like if Christmas Day and your Birthday had a kid but then your Birthday went out for cigarettes and never came back i.e. a day of mixed emotions (because if you win it is good but if you lose it just reminds you of your Da..Birthday and you cry whenever you see a packet of Bensons) I LOVE YOU DAD LOVE ME BACK. That aside, pretty good.

Highlander (1986)

A French Scotsman gets taught immortality and swords by a Scottish Egyptian Spaniard and it makes Citizen Kane look like House Party II. It is not about wrestling so watch past the opening three minutes before asking if it is. The bad guy is a young Clancy Brown and he nails it. Almost 100% sure this is the greatest film from 1986 that I’ve seen recently (I haven’t watched Transformers: the movie for a while).

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Prediction: A thrilling, open affair with both teams playing the best football the world has ever seen lol of course not it will be dross. 0-0 United, even after extra time and penalties.

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 (@bifurcated_utd)

Wtf is that picture?! That looks nothing like me 14 years ago when I looked exactly like that and took that photo. Think you guys have uploaded a picture of Noel Edmonds and *insert later after more thought* lovechild to makOH! We have guest wannabes this week, so no need to struggle to the word count.

Prediction: My abso fav journo pal, David Storey, to reminisce about the time he thought that great joke I did was the greatest joke he had ever read. 0-0 United

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In a break from tradition (apart from that one time Tom’s girlfriend wrote a preview for some unknown reason involving sex) we gave no money, zero thanks and even less notice to some people to write a preview for the cup final and help us break our retweet record of 6. Let’s see how they got on.

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(Ed – These are in no particular order apart from our favourites or the ones who got their submissions in first or the others others who we asked earliest or those who may have a prosthetic hand similar to Tee Hee Johnson in Live and Let Die (1973))

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 @UtdRantcast 

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Ah the FA Cup final. Watching TV in your pyjamas on a Saturday morning, memorising the words to the cup final song, watching coaches arrive at Wembley. Great days, great days. The twin towers (Ed – Too soon). Not those ones. No one reads this, right? Hope not.

Anyway, I used to like football and now I mostly don’t because Jose Mourinho and Louis van Gaal is a heck of one-two punch combination to knock the joy out of your soul. But then every now and then it is good again and quite often that’s been at Wembley. Tony. Jesse. Jesse. Zlatan. Ander. We’ve not lost there (in the cup) for ages and hopefully it’ll all be fine. Doesn’t make any difference really if it’s not because any joy will be extremely fleeting.

OK, Hugs.

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(Ed – Plastic)

(Ed 3 – This is Paul)

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 (@akaunclesteven)

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Guys, I’m gonna say no to this one but maybe in the future.

(Ed – Steve has a hook hand so this is fair)

(Ed 2 – Don’t let him off the hook like that lol see what I did there?)

(Ed 3 – I was grappling with the idea of asking him in the first place tbh lol see what I did there?)

(Ed 209 – You have thirty seconds to comply)

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 (@BobbyFaghihi)

A Royal match made in heaven, this is certainly no loveless marriage Mourinho and Conte have had their differences but vow all is ok now. It’s hard to care about this tie because the FA cup isn’t important anymore. The Wed Devils against the something blues til death do us part I hate you Katy you broke my heart and ruined my life. Score draw.

(Ed – Bobby is a high-functioning alcoholic whose wife and kids have left him. Whilst you’re here check out his Instagram, it’s “hilarious”)

 (@BeardedGenius)

Please stop calling me, it’s over.

(Ed – lol we will never stop calling him)

 (@JoshuaGraham93)

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A few weeks ago I had returned home from a long, hard day and decided to head straight to bed. I stood next to my bed and took my t-shirt and jeans off. In my exhausted state I also decided to pull my pants down to my ankles. I stood there for a good few minutes before I realised my mistake.

What I’m saying is: I’m Jose Mourinho, Anthony Martial is my pants. So.. Jose is going to de-pants himself (get rid of Martial – who is my pants) but he won’t realise his mistake until it’s too late (i.e. my pants were fully down).

I mean, sure, you can pull your pants back up (sign Willian), but that’s not good enough… everybody knows you’ve had your own pants down (i.e. sold Martial – who is my pants).

Now, onto the Fergie Association Cup. We’re playing Chelsea in the final, who, like us, are real shit. Like, not just a little bit shit, they are proper naff. Like those trainers your Dad bought for you that he thought were ‘neat’. They weren’t neat, they were rubbish and quite frankly our bond hasn’t been the same since.

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Predicted XIs: 

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United: DE GEA, WE’RE, GOING, TO, SELL, MARTIAL, I, DON’T, REALLY, CARE, ANYMORE

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Chelsea: Remember when we didn’t sign Morata and everybody was like ‘oohhh no he’s going to be great’ and then he went to Chelsea and was real shit at the goals? We bought Lukaku and he’s pretty good at goals.

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Predicted score:  Is there a way we can both lose this game? Like the game is so boring that the Ref just gives up and walks off? If so then that’s my prediction.

If not, I think we’ll win 1-0 and abso won’t deserve it.

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Sent from my iPhone

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(Ed – ooh look at me I’ve got an iPhone)

(Ed 3 – ooh look at me I’ve got an iPhone)

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 (@domnozahic)

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Manchester United are playing Chelsea in the FA Cup final, which is to say that the winner of said game of football will lift England’s oldest trophy, which is to say there is a relative amount of importance riding on the game, which is to say the game also might not be that important, which is to say that at the beginning of the season the FA Cup might not have been the last match that Manchester United were hoping to play in this season, which is to say there are other more prestigious matches of football taking place in the near future, which is to say that there is a wider context surrounding this match of football, which is to say football cannot be reduced to 90 isolated minutes, which is to say that though victory would secure his third major trophy in two years, Jose Mourinho has not quite convinced Manchester United fans of his managerial excellence, which is to say that United enter the match with a strange atmosphere amongst them, which is to say United might be the best bad team in the world, or the worst good team in the world, which is to say that football is a game played on green grass with white lines by teams wearing red, blue and many other colours, but perhaps the overwhelming colour is varying shades of grey, which is to say that ordinarily we might not be so poetic about football, which is to say that actually a lack of poetics might be an issue with regard to Jose Mourinho’s Manchester United, which is to say that one of the issues going in to this cup final is a precise lack of beauty, which is to say that subsequently there might not actually be that much enjoyment gained from watching this iteration of Manchester United, which is to say that beyond the potential jubilation of watching Michael Carrick lifting the FA Cup above his head, football might fundamentally be about entertainment, which is to say that Mourinho’s knack for winning does not prevent a quite vocal disenchantment with the state of affairs at Manchester United, which is to say that United have a team partly filled by young, vibrant and likeable young men with the potential to be mesmerizingly good footballers, which is to say that it would not be unreasonable to expect Manchester United to win this game against a Chelsea side that finished 3 places and 11 points below them, which is to say the Premier League table offers a guide to the way we might evaluate these teams, which is to say that we know these teams well, which is to say that the table would suggest they are pretty good football teams, which is to say we might wonder whether this final will be a good match of football, which is to say that it is slightly strange that it might end up being quite a turgid game of football, which is to say that a season takes its toll on the teams involved in it, which is to say that sometimes football boils down to 90 minutes at Wembley Stadium, when in fact football extends far beyond those minutes and those moments, which is to say that football is often like a sentence that never seems to end: it undulates, changes, sometimes captivates, sometimes bores, it meanders, it threatens to explode before it settles down, it threatens to settle down before it explodes, it feels as though it might never end at exactly the same moment it feels like it is getting away from you, going too quickly, before, of course, like all things, it stops. Which is, of course, to say: Manchester United are playing Chelsea in the FA Cup final, but when you say that, you’re saying a whole lot more.

Score Prediction: 2-0 United.

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(Ed – tl;dr)

(Ed 3 – jfc;wtf)

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 (@tomajbritten)

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In the last weekend of club football before the World Cup, the FA Cup final represents the only thing worth furiously waving a flag for on Saturday. It will end in disappointment for one party and in a party for the other *points to Jon Champion*.

Were Antonio Conte to pull off a Van Gaal and win it while finishing fifth, Chelsea would have to sack him before full-time to regain some form of identity. We all know Roman Abramovich really just wants a go himself. Meanwhile, Jose Mourinho will be looking to fully deliver sweet, sweet vengeance twisting the knife further into Conte after his overzealous celebrations last season during Chelsea’s 4-0 win at their place. Players, coaches, backroom staff and fans all irrelevant.

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Prediction: Mourinho to frisbee the lid into the crowd and parade Conte’s wig instead. Everyone loves Mourinho again, definitely winning everything next season. 0-0 United.

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(Ed – Tom proving, yet again, that out of all the Toms, of which he is one, that he is the best Tom) 

(Ed 3 – Seconded)

 

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 (@danielstorey85)

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Tom forgot to ask me to contribute so I won’t be appearing in this episode. Also, I was lying that time I said Brett’s joke made me laugh.

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(Ed – I, for one, am glad we didn’t get a real journalist to add a microscopic amount of credibility to this shitshow of a website)

(Ed 3 – He was abso defo telling the truth that time when he said Brett’s joke made him laugh. He also said something about Brett deserving a BAFTA, or similar level of prize but for writinPURLITZER! yeah that’s what he said … Brett deserves a Purlitzer)

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 (@darrenrichman)

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Would genuinely love to write a preview but working today and tomorrow until KO! Gah, hit me up next season please.

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(Ed – Don’t think we won’t make you do our work for us)

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 (@IwanLehnert)

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It’s quite nice going into the final game of a season knowing that the outcome won’t completely define the 50-odd matches that came before it. Would recommend it, to be honest.

United went into last season’s Europa League final with Ajax knowing that losing would basically negate an entire campaign’s work, and make us all look really stupid for fobbing off the league in the process. Saturday’s meeting with Chelsea isn’t quite on that level, but you do get the feeling that it’s almost definitely in Jose Mourinho’s best interests to make sure United leave Wembley with that there FA Cup.

And the lid this time, preferably.

You can forgive a lot of things in football if you have trophies to show for it; ugly style, dirty tactics, tax evasion, owners from a country with an awful record of abusing human rights, owners who donated money to Donald Trump…I’ll certainly take a Manchester United capable of reaching cup finals on a frequent basis over what David Moyes and Louis van Gaal served up with hollandaise sauce, but good grief, this season has been hard to get through at times. Rarely have I ever been so glad to see the end of a Premier League campaign, such has been the the amorphous blob of grey crud that United have been trying to pass off as football since the derby.

Mourinho is going nowhere for the time being. Apart from Russia for the World Cup. Or his apartment. Presumably he’s pretty gutted about Rui Faria leaving the club as it throws off the numbers for their weekly Mario Kart tournament. He clearly doesn’t care for the public’s perception of him as a grumpy so-and-so, but after spending a good chunk of this season making examples of his young players, arguing with his biggest talents and trying to get Marouane Fellaini to sign a new contract, carrying on last season’s trophy haul would certainly buy him a bit more patience from a fan base that mostly seems to feel a bit meh about finishing second in the league.

…y’know, because City basically finished a light-year ahead of us.

Here’s what would be nice; Pogba gets licence to roam and cause problems, Alexis Sanchez runs about like a chicken that still has its head and Rashford or Martial bag a big goal. And we win.

Chelsea need to end this season with some positivity too. Unless it’s escaped your attention, they have been Pretty Bad, so I expect the game to be as tight as my parallel parking, but frankly, United should be winning this one. And if we don’t, blame Frank.

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(Ed – Can’t believe every single one of our guests has outdone us like this and some of them didn’t even write anything. Those were my favourites)

(Ed 2 – We finally did a good preview, and by ‘we’ I mean ‘they’ and by ‘good’ I mean ‘meh’)