It’s Christmas. Can’t believe our ruddy brave heroic footballers are actually playing football instead of watching Simpsons repeats or pretending to love their families.
Prediction: Vangle to slam those h8trz with goals and points. Three of each is exactly what Dr Nick ordered. Hi, everybody! 0-0 United.
SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS although if you haven’t seen it by now thats your own damn fault SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS.
Like me, most of you probably spent yesterday celebrating the birth, life and untimely death of one of history’s most popular characters: Han Solo. Abrams you hack.
The Force Awakens (2015)
Its like BOOM and then almost immediately all like ‘pew pew’ with the guns and then in the spaceships with the soldiers and then I was like ‘WTF’, and then theres a ball robot and he’s all like ‘beep bop beep beep boop’ and he’s like Artoo but smaller and rounder and he escapes and then theres like ‘whoa, thats amazing’ and then CHEWIE AND HAN and then more of the spaceships and war amongst the stars and I’m all like ‘yeah blud this is dope’ but then like WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED and then sad. That aside, pretty good.
Prediction: Imagine if The Sun (newspaper not life-sustaining star) discovered reverse psychology. Everyone back on board the LvG bus to despair as our rallying hopes get killed off. Much like a certain Corellian smuggler. 4-0 Stoke, Rooney finally eats himself.
As Jesus once famously said: a time for giving and for getting. A time for forgiving and for forgetting. And it got him killed.
Fast forward two thousand and fifteen years, or the shorthand version: 2015 years – whichever gets your word count up when you’d rather be drinking yourself into a coma to ease the pain of your existence, with the excuse of the birth of Santa to hide your impending messy and humiliating mid-life crisis from your family and friends – and it’s Vangle who … sod it, Uncle Les has just opened the peach schnapps. And I think I’ve soiled myself. Again.
Prediction: Vangle’s recent deposit in the honesty box of life to galvanise the team: inducing scenes reminiscent of the scene from It’s a Wonderful Life, where everything is wonderful and lifey. That aside, 0-0.