Sunderland has been in the news for all the wrong reasons this week, but there is definitely Stadium of Light at the end of the tunnel – the lane closures on the A1231 are necessary for the future construction of the New Wear Crossing bridge. Stay patient, Sunderlishmen and women.
Opposition Summary: Sunderland AFC are the best team to win the 1973 FA Cup final apart from Leeds United who were the best team in England at the time and should’ve won the trophy. They play in broken red shirts like Stoke. Sunderland that is, not Leeds. I couldn’t give a shit what colour they play in. Leeds that is, not Stoke.
Prediction: Will Keane debut? Yes, probably. Oh, his name is Will? Still works to be fair. Will Will Keane be keen? Will he be more keen than Robbie Keane and/or Roy Keane? Will he be an equal amount of keen? Will Will Keane be keen to listen to Keane before trying to be equal or more keen than the keen Keanes? Where are my pills? 0-0 United.
An underrated gem from the Farrelly brother’s stable of comedy, Kingpin is more than just crass humour set in the working-class arena of ten-pin bowling – it is a metaphor for life that we can all understand. How many of us have been at the pinnacle of our lives, only for one error of judgement which lead to criminals cutting off our hand as punishment? And how many of us had Bill Murray as a rival and nemesis, with him taking all the glory whilst we crawled into the nearest bottle to wallow in self-pity? And how many of us tried to coach a naive Amish man to bowl so that we could regain our glory vicariously? And who here amongst us hasn’t pulled ourselves together for one last gargantuan effort, only to have victory snatched away from us by one solitary pin? I know I have. That aside, pretty good.
Prediction: Sunderland are better than Derby but worse than Chelsea but at least we don’t have to sack our players because they don’t know how to Google. 2-0 United.
The thing about writing Tom’s preview is that he has a very imitable style and also because I normally have to write his anyway. Brett’s style is more surreal and involves a lot of wordplay, which I’ve already covered in my now world-famous “Will Keane” skit republished above. Ooh, Brett also loves a bit of self-loathing now that I think of it.
Prediction: Nobody to love me until I sort my life out and take proper charge of this shambolic excuse for a website. Tom gets a pass because I’ve known him 32 years and know exactly what he’s capable of. Brett is still probably a fictional character as far as I’m concerned. 0-0 United.