Oh right, interviews is the gag this week is it? Well here’s my interview with Steve Rogers, AKA Captain America:
ME: Hi, Steve. Can I call you ‘Steve’?
CA: I’d prefer ‘Captain’ or ‘Cap’.
ME: Ok, Steve. Are you a United or a Leicester fan?
CA: No, I don’t follow British sports.
ME: Great stuff, Steve. You’re one of the most celebrated heroes on the planet. To what would you dedicate your unbelievable success?
Opposition Summary: Leicester are a one-man team but with eleven of them instead of one. Two are the best ones but one isn’t playing because he’s a bit rude. If they stay up this season, I’ll try and learn some of their names for next time. They play in, oh my goodness this is so unexpected, blue shirts.
Prediction: Memphis to cause an upset by throwing out an old newspaper that’s got a picture of Luke Shaw in it probably. Goals for Rasherz, Roonz and Lingz ensure Vangle gets to see out the remainder of his contract. 0-0 United.
With Arsenal having wrapped the title up weeks ago, United’s CL place assured and Leicester writhing in traditional mid to lower table mediocrity, this game is legit pointless. With this in mind, I thought I’d take a look at Leicester and their curious affiliation with Foxes (I drove through Leicestershire twice last weekend and didn’t see but one fox). Thanks to our contacts within the game (Paul Ansorge), I was able to secure an interview with Richard Leicester (the founder of Leicester) and asked him the question: Why?
TM: Richard, interesting surname – is that where you got the idea for Leicester the town?
RL: Yes. Yes it is. Interesting I mean, the name thing is purely coincidental.
TM: Let’s cut to it, Dick – why Foxes? I’ve done my research and in terms of fox demographics, it makes little sense.
RL: Turns out we’re famous for fox-hunting, that most traditional of the ‘working man’ sports – we’ve been playing the Post Horn Galop at home matches since 1941.
TM: So your mascot, Filbert Fox – and to a lesser extent the secondary characters of Vickie Vixen and Cousin Dennis – would actually have been torn to pieces by hounds and Tories?
TM: Do you like Glacier mints?
TM: You sicken me*
Like Firefly but longer and with more money, Serenity charts the voyages of the…Serenity…as it goes through space having adventures and that. The bad guys are the Empire but also Ewoks although in this case the Ewoks are less cuddly bears and more humans gone proper wrong who just kill everyone and eat them. The good guys are ruddy great (their captain was once a mere janitor in a Community college) and Steve the Pirate flies the ship – more like Steve the PILOT!!!! hahaha. Also River has mad skillz yo. That aside, pretty good.
Prediction: No-one to believe my Richard Leicester interview even though it happened for realsies. United to spoil the party. For themselves. By losing. 2-0 United, Memphis hat-trick (of mistakes) Nasri for Rooney
*You may notice the seemingly random use of ‘bold’ in the initials in the interview. Don’t.
I have a scoop of my own: an exclusive interview with Juan Mata goal fan, Vanilla Ice (real name Mr Vanilla Ice)…
BA: My initials are good innit?
VI: Quite good.
BA: Your initials are the number six in old money.
VI: Never really thought about it.
BA: Did you notice I used the word six, as opposed to the number six, cos word count.
VI: I did not notice that.
BA: Thank you for your kind words.
Prediction: Yet another game eating in to my precious status anxiety ridden day in bed listening to three Embrace songs* on a loop WhatsApping people I know pretending I have every intention of meeting up with them sometime soon. 0-0 United.
*Out of Nothing, Fireworks, Drawn from Memory. Obvs.