Everton vs. United

Manchester United FC v VfL Wolfsburg - UEFA Champions League

Ben (@Benglorious)

Conspiracy theories are as much a part of human existence as hair and the films of Adam Sandler. From the assassination of JFK to the rise of the Lizard People, from Elvis being alive to the moon landing being faked, proponents of these theories have long been dismissed as ‘unstable’ and ‘crackpot’. Until now. I’m here to blow the lid on what could be the biggest one to date, one that may go all the way to the top, and it’s been happening right in front of us the whole time.

Everybody knows, and loves, Aleksandr Orlov, the cravat-wearing meerkat, but does everyone remember that he first came to our attention complaining about people visiting his website in error? He had major beef with an insurance comparison company and then suddenly he became their major spokesfeline. You can see the fear in his eyes every time he’s forced to go on screen. Comparison website services have organised themselves into a shadowy cabal bent on world domination. When was the last time you bought insurance and DIDN’T use a comparison service? Why do we even need insurance? It’s a protection racket, and its dirty fingers are in every crevice in the world. Remember that cute, confused robot, Brian? He’s just disappeared off the face of the planet. Did he discover some dark secret or was he just a liability? I hope he was insured.

 

Prediction: Mourinho to be welcomed back to Goodison Park, scene of his happiest days as a manager. I bet he wished Ferguson never chose him. 0-0 United.

 

mcg (@tom_mcghee)

Adam Sandler is as much a part of human existence as hair and conspiracy theories. But why? Happy Gilmore aside, his films are largely simplistic and jejune, he doesn’t know any meerkats and he loves insurance. At least Sylvester Stallone supports Everton honestly (Stallone has a well-documented Toffee habit, he misunderstood the concept)

Star Trek: Beyond (2016)

After all the hype, this latest addition – supposably a prequel?? – to the all-conquering Disney franchise left me cold. The trailer is in no way accurate; all the exciting new characters we saw aren’t even in it and although I knew there wouldn’t be *much* Vader, the trailer did suggest you’d at least see him on screen?? That aside, pretty good.

 

Prediction: Homegirls dropping like the NASDAQ. Points docked for City Vs Chelsea (just because Mourinho wasn’t there doesn’t make it not his fault. Open your eyes) 3-0 United, Martial to score his customary 8.

brett (@ttackattackattack)

Human existence is as much a part of human existence as dirty fingers. Nobody loves Alexander Kolorov, not even people who spell his name correctly. I’m going to blow Elvis’s lid.

Love going last, cos I can really flex my journalistic muscle. That aside, Jejune.

Prediction: Me to never give Benno and Tom the wages they so obviously deserve, let’s say a million pounds each, in the minus (anus). 0-0 United. Lizard People with their customary 8. JFK, top bins, from the edge of the grassy knoll. 

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