jose mourinho

Tottenham vs. United

Tottenham vs. United

m (@Benglorious) Fuck Andy Murray. I don’t hate him because he’s Scottish. I don’t hate him because he’s a miserable cunt. I don’t even hate him because he plays the most Tory of sports. I hate him because he let the Green Goblin kill Gwen Stefani. Prediction: Respect from Poch, enthusiasm from Ole, narrative from […]

Southampton 2 - 2 United

Southampton 2 – 2 United

Not quite the -25 – -25 thriller the finest experts in the land were predicting but the perfectly executed plan to leave Mark Hughes available in the summer when United are looking for a Director of Football to provide the essential guidance Jose Mourinho requires for the remainder of his odyssey…     Here’s 5 […]

Newcastle 1 - 0 United

Newcastle 1 – 0 United

Phil Jones and Chris Smalling are the best. BEST. ABSO BEST. In a parallel Universe Jose got his wish and the game is still being played. It’s currently 9087 – 0. Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. I didn’t watch the game because I wasn’t watching it. 2. My new jam is Taken The Series. […]

EL Semi Final: Celta Vigo vs. United

EL Semi Final: Celta Vigo vs. United

m m (@Benglorious) Celta Vigo are not a team United should be taking lightly this evening. After all, this IS the business end of the elite Europa competition-that-isn’t-for-the-best-clubs-in-Europe-but-still-gives-us-annoying-midweek-games-that-make-us-draw-all-our-important-matches-but-at least-if-we-do-win-the-whole-thing-it-does-mean-that-we’re-better-than-Liverpool League. Prediction: Another debut goal for Rashford and yet another hat-trick for Ronaldo as the Reds cruise to an easy victory. 0-0 United m m  (@tom_mcghee) […]

United vs. WBA

United vs. WBA

(@Benglorious) It’s been so long since I watched any football that wasn’t full of broken legs and weird statues that I’m actually looking forward to watching the game today. Any spare tickets? I also need a lift and accommodation. And spending money. www.patreon.com/bifurcated m m Prediction: With Jones out, injured by Smalling, and Smalling out, […]

A.BBA: Mourinho

A.BBA: Mourinho

Everton vs. United

Everton vs. United

 (@Benglorious) Conspiracy theories are as much a part of human existence as hair and the films of Adam Sandler. From the assassination of JFK to the rise of the Lizard People, from Elvis being alive to the moon landing being faked, proponents of these theories have long been dismissed as ‘unstable’ and ‘crackpot’. Until now. I’m […]

Swansea vs. United

Swansea vs. United

 (@Benglorious) Jose has a lot to do to change United’s fortunes after suffering his eighty-ninth consecutive defeat earlier in the week. Another forty defeats or so and he may have to seriously start worrying about his job, particularly as David Moyes has won more games than him and is also available without a notice period […]

Bournemouth 1 - 3 United

Bournemouth 1 – 3 United

Bournemouth were left speechless – GEDDIT?! cos mouth – as Juan Marta – GEDDIT?! cos sub – Wane Rooney – GEDDIT?! cos last 21 years – and Zlatan Ibrahitthenets – GEDDIT?! cos goals – hit them for six divided by two – GEDDIT?! cos maths and idiom*. If the English Premier League stopped right now […]

Mourinho

Mourinho

Paul's House Puppets: Mourinho

Paul’s House Puppets: Mourinho

Community Championship: Leicester 1 - 2 United

Community Championship: Leicester 1 – 2 United

Football is back here. Fasten your safety helmets, buckle on … Bifurcated is slipping up through the Germaine Grears and turboing the machs to full futuristicism. Peddles to the medals… It’s the one, two (though technically a number), three, four, five, siSIX words you’ve all been waiting all your “Boohoo it’s not like 2014, we’ve […]

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