Southampton are yet another of those teams that played Sunderland one day and stole their kits. Seriously: why do so many teams have the same kits? I may be colour-blind, but even I know there’s enough colours in a set of Crayolas for every team to have a different colour shirt. Southampton could easily have a Burnt Sienna home shirt and a Jazzberry Jam away one. They could even do a third strip in Wild Blue Yonder if they wanted a little change every now and then. I bet Kappa would be interested in this.
Southampton have a long-standing tradition of playing their games in a city that, by some unbelievable coincidence, is also called Southampton. Their stadium is called something but that’s not important because they’re not playing there today. They’ll be driving the forty or so miles to Manchester to play at Old Trafford, which is actually quite old in dog years even though bits of it are quite shiny and built using very contemporary techniques including pit ponies and stealth bombers.
Players to watch out for today are Victor Wagamama, Pelé and Craiiiiiiiig David.
Prediction: It’s Hollandman versus Netherlandian in the battle of the managers today. Big Ron and Flatface Louis will slug it out to see who can emerge victorious. Not literally; they’ll actually just be pretty much sitting on their arses for ninety minutes whilst the players do all the hard work but the managers will still take all the credit. Hardly seems fair, right? Tough shit. Thems the breaks and if you don’t like it, go and watch darts or wrestling with the other morons. *drops mic* 1-0 Southampton.
Big Tony V loves breaking shins but do you know what else he loves? Rabbits, French cheeses and the collected works of Charles Dickens:
The Titanic sailed from Southampton. And for just 100 instalments of £8.99, you too can have a 1:1 replica of the ill-fated deathtrap. Cast from metal actually recovered from the wreck, it features working lights (that go out after you start taking on water) and lifeboats that can’t be deployed – Order now and get the Iceberg and complimentary band* FREE!
Are we even playing Southampton? Other thoughts: the Ant-Man trailer was disappointing. And why don’t socks get holes in at the same time? Are we to believe, like, that one foot does more work?
*Also available to purchase separately for £49.99 each (RRP £89.99) Alternatively, if you can make frozen water (or “ice”) yourself, just have fun with it.
Prediction: United to win by virtue of goals scored. Gonna go with 4-0 with Falcao scoring all 5 and Nasri for Rooney at 63 mins.
I’ve got no time to write this now cos of those two primarkdonnas hogging the editing suite. The rumour around the bifurcated office is that Bob writes his previews in front of the mirror. And that Ted writes his previews in front of the mirror. And that they also both spend hours in front of the mirror when they’re not doing previews: like when they’re eating toast, or sharpening pencil crayons (I didn’t have the time to think of other narcissistic scenarios).
Ronald Koeman looks a bit like Eric from Guess Who. And Vangle looks a bit like a kebab. I don’t know, I’m just freestyling this like a maverick genius, or reading some old notes I had on my phone from earlier this week. Not sure tbh…
Prediction: Ted and Bob to become famous and forget about me ffs. Me, the one who gave them their first leg up ffs. When they were nothing ffs. Literally nothing ffs. A pair of annoying trolls ffs. Ruining Twitter for everyone else ffs. Can you believe they’d do this to me ffs? After all I’ve done for them ffs. This is the way they repay me ffs. ffs.
Note to self: adding ffs to the end of multiple short sentences doesn’t really pad out your word count sufficiently enough to make it worth your while. But, gold star for effort. What with the time thing and all. Thanks. Don’t mention it. I won’t. You just did. You. You. Okay, definitely enough padding now.