Sunderland, or the ‘Black Cats’ as they are called for some unknown reason, were founded in 1879 by a teacher, James Allan, who wanted a way to impress the dinner ladies at his school. Bitches love association football team founders who are also teachers. He must have had some success, as his team didn’t join the rest of the proper teams in the league of football thing until eleven years later, by which point he couldn’t walk or talk due to his advanced syphilis and permanent grin.
This leads me nicely on to Vangle. The teaching thing, not the syphilis business, although with his boyish good looks I would not be surprised in the least. I mean, seriously: the guy is world-famous, he can wear the shit out of a suit or tracksuit, he’s been to other countries and he’s got a few quid by all accounts. No wonder he’s struggling with his philosophy at United if he’s being hounded by chicks twenty-four seven.
I’ve lost my train of thought.
Players to watch out for today in the Sunderland team are: box-to-box midfielder Steve Cram; Heather Mills, who’s a bit one-footed, and; Marjorie Dawes, who’s had a bit of an up and down season so far.
Prediction: With Robin having a well-earned rest after his record-breaking glut of goals, the onus will fall on Rooney and Radamel. The hitman and her will not disappoint, finally realising that they are world-class strikers in a world-class team in a world-class league in a world-class, erm, world. Whatever. The goals will flow and everyone will be happy; even the doubterz and haterz. Two apiece for the front two and one for Herrera will destroy the hapless Black Cats. 1-0 Sunderland.
The first thing Tyler did to celebrate his new United contract was to visit Bifurcated Towers and regale us with tales of his favourite things. Top of his list were salmon en croûte, glassblowing and the concept of creative destruction:
I have such scant regard for this fixture I feel my time is better suited transcribing Prime’s epic takedown of Megatron in the now classic Transformers: The Movie (1986)
Prime: Megatron must be stopped…No matter the cost *chik-chuk-chik-chuk-chuk* (But more 80s electronic sounding. Its a hard noise to write).
(Prime transforms and rolls out, heading towards like all the decepticons. So ruddy Brave. Takes out Ramjet and Bombshell like a boss. Blitzwing escapes. Drives HEADLONG into fire, leaps into air and transforms back to robot mode, takes out Dirge, Soundwave and some randoms. Megatron turns to find his pals proper battered)
Prime: One shall stand, one shall fall
Megatron: Why throw away your life so recklessly (proper menacing like)
Prime: That’s a question you should ask yourself, Megatron (Superb banter)
Megatron: No! I’ll crush you with my bare hands!
(Throws himself at Prime, they fight like robot warrior ninjas, its insane. SPOILER: Prime wins. Kinda. Turned out to be all a big spin for Hasbro to introduce the *New* leaders – total disappointment; Ultra Magnus was basically Ed Miliband, Galvatron was just Megatron in a better suit).
Prediction: Megatron would’ve won if he’d used his massive arm cannon. Brett will predict Benno and I ruining everything (Jokes on him). Hoverboards won’t work on water, unless you’ve got power. 1-0 United, Goal scored mistakenly through boredom.
He was reading an article about how writing in the first person – using subjective opinion, self-interested anecdotes, and colloquial language – has taken precedence over the reporting of actual information, and how it was ruining the craft for everyone. He read that with his eyes on Thursday 26th of February.
Fortunately, he doesn’t need to use subjective opinion, self-interested anecdotes, and colloquial language, to write this preview.
Prediction: Ben and Tom to have ruined it for everyone. 5-1 United.