United vs. West Ham

Hydromatic

 @Benglorious)

It feels like more months than I can count (three, I think) since Chelsea lifted the Premiership League trophy after a hard-fought battle with Tottenham who really, literally, actually, definitely didn’t bottle it, and, in fact, put so much pressure on, the FA considered creating a new trophy just for them before rejecting it as a fucking stupid idea, along with video referees, sin bins and Sunderland.

It also feels like months (maybe three again?) since United won the Europa Champions League, beating some of the biggest powerhouses in European football along the way. Esteemed names such as Ajax, Saint Étienne and Potato Rosti were swept aside en route to yet another piece of silverware and everybody had to stop laughing at us for five minutes.

It also feels like months (at least one, possibly as many as sixty) since Rooney retired from football as United’s all-time top goalscorer, so imagine everyone’s surprise when he re-signed for Everton. As a player.

All that waiting for the new season and they make us wait even more with the last kick off of the weekend. At least knowing all the other scores beforehand gives us the advantage of knowing exactly what we need to do today to win the league.

 

Prediction: A new season brings a new hope. Lukaku to feel the force by letting go, and also by bashing a training remote with a glowing stick. 3-1, United

 m

2017-02-10 23.14.32 (@tom_mcghee)

Cockney whelk/plate of oysters…knees up Mother Brown…barrels rolled out…you won’t stop talking why don’t you give it a rest you’ve got more rabbit than Sainsbury’s…doing a Lambeth Walk etc. These are just a few of the things that come to mind when thinking of the cesspool that is the East End of London (that and organised crime but they only slaughtered their own. For a pony. And a bag of hooves). Unfortunately, none of these give us any insight into their football.

Rain…canal murders…low quality cocaine…the BBC…bald men in beige trousers…Burnage Gobshites…weird little men who have free hair transplants because they’ve sold right out man…This is Manchester. Again, doesn’t really help although it does suggest Rio would’ve been ok.

 

Prediction: Brett to make a racist joke about new boys Lukaku and Lindelof, Benno to be out all Saturday. 3-0 United, Rooney brace, Nasri with the consolation.

m

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

It’s going to be difficult for the Bifurcated team to keep the fans happy, after July was voted best month in the website’s history for content and a jokes … but here goFML!! Just read them two clown’s a words.

Luke Aku and Linda Lof sound more like acts dropped from an open mic night, than The English Premier League Footballers imho.

Today’s opposition have acquired the services of *insert players names later, when you’ve actually got round to giving two fucks* and look set to take the bottom half of the table by storm. If all other teams don’t turn up. Ever.

Want to say there’s something fishy about them, so I can say John West Ham more like!

Prediction: Luke Aku and Linda Lof to wow the punters at the open mic night with their heart-warming acoustic interpretation of Eiffel 65’s Blue (Da Ba Dee). Yung Rash with his customary life affirmation. Tom to accuse me of racism: Pot. Kettle. BlaOH SHIT! 0-0, United.

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