Aston Villa, if that’s their real name, ear necklaces, magic beans, and I wish Optimus Prime was real and other things what Tom would say irl.
After a rather interesting chat with JUSTIN BIEBER our only reader the other night, I think I may have discovered NORTH KOREA how to increase the BEARD BAUBLES readership of this website. See, he works for JENNIFER LAWRENCE a proper football website and they commission their articles based on the WEALDSTONE RAIDER searches people do on the Googles using KIM KARDASHIAN’S ARSE key words and phrases. It was all very interesting stuff, and I really wish I’d been listening properly to ED SHEERAN him on how to do it properly.
Anyway, let’s talk about the footballs. Literally just found out that Aston Villa are from Birmingham. Why did they have to complicate things with such a ridiculous name? How hard was it to just call themselves ‘Birmingham’? They could’ve even spiced it up a bit with a cheeky suffix like ‘City’ and then everyone in the world would instantly understand their origins. I can’t help but feel that they’ve missed a trick there. Anyway, I think we can all agree that any team that boasts Tom Hanks, Prince William, Nigel Kennedy and David Cameron amongst its fans is the absolute dirt worst team in the history of all things football. Apparently, Bob De Niro is also a fan but he only said that because he was trying to piss off Hanks after he lost the lead role in ‘Big’ to the giant-spammed drama queen.
Villa have had a numberless myriadal plethora of multitudinous amounts of world class players throughout the years (so glad I opened my new thesaurus early) as well as in the current squad, so they’re always a dangerous opponent. Players to watch out for in today’s match include: Gabriel Agbonlahor, Dean Saunders and Ozzy Osbourne.
Prediction: Coming off the back of eighty-five wins in a row and ninety-one goals from six shots, Vangle’s boys are riding high on the confidence pony. Villa will provide poor competition for the aforementioned pony, and United will canter to an easy victory. Robin will continue his excellent run of form with yet another of those score things and Rooney will also kick that thing into the other thing with his thing-kicker. Falcao will come on in the second half or maybe start from the start and will also get his name on that sheet where they write the score. What a jolly Christmas it’s going to be for everyone associated with Manchester United! 1-0 Villa.
Summer signing Luke Shaw likes Jenga, breeding rabbits and the boot from Monopoly:
Mum and Dad
Hope you both have a very Merry Christmas in Benidorm, and are looking forward to the new year in the new house.
Hopefully, you”ll get chance to pop down and see me at some point. I’m working all through, so can’t get up to see you, sorry.
Would be nice if for just one night we could go out for a drink and grab some food.
p.s The socks and cup-a-soups are great, thank you, and no problem they weren’t wrapped; in case you were worried I was thinking you just didn’t care.
p.p.s If you do decide to come down, there’s really no need to pretend to be interested in me. If I’m honest, the way you talk over me like I’m not there breaks my heart. Every time.
p.p.s Let me know and I’ll book you a hotel rooHEY! Wait a minute! I’ve only gone and written my mum and dad’s Christmas card here. That means they’ve got my prediction inside their card. Sorry Justin Bieber, if you’re still reading at this point that is. I’d forget the space where my head used to be above my neck if it wasnHEY! Wait a minute! If I had the space where my brain should be, I’d be dangerHEY! Wait a minu etc..
Prediction: My heart to break. Again.