What a week, eh? Finally got confirmation about my new flat and also going to save one whole pence off every pint I don’t buy. Oh, and United somehow remembered that they were United and well and truly spanked those Greeks to earn a clash against some no-mark German team in the next round of the Champions League.
Today we visit Upton Park, named after Billy Joel’s classic 80’s hit Tell Her about It. The ‘ammers have been in fine form this season under Sam Allardyce’s shrewd stewardship, banging in goals left, right, up, down and diagonally, whilst barely concedi… Sorry. Can’t keep that up. They’re one of those teams that aren’t really worth writing or caring about, even though they are the closest Premiership team to where I live. Apart from Norwich. The only notable thing abut them is that they play in Villa’s kit, probably because some Cockney nutjob back in the day stole a job lot whilst waving about a shoo’er, guv.
Key players to watch out for are Jürgen Klinsmann, Franz Beckenbauer and Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, although that may be West Germany I’m thinking of. I don’t really care. I think I mentioned the not caring before, you’ll have to read back and check as I can’t be bothered.
Prediction: “Demis Roussos… Prince Philip… Poseidon… Socrates (the Greek one)… You boys tooka helluva beating!” was the main part of my phone call to my local taverna after Wednesday night’s match, which wasn’t taken in the humour it was intended as the restaurant is actually owned by Clive from Southend. Anyway, still buoyant from our final victory in Europe this season, I’m in a double, super-positive mood even with the loss of Robin for a few weeks. Moyes will have the chance to try out a new forward line, so I’m seeing a goal a piece for Adnan and Danny, with Mata chipping in (literally) a third, all whilst Rooney bangs in the greatest hat-trick the world has ever seen. The Irons won’t know what’s f*cking hit ‘em!! 1-0 West Ham.
About the author: I really DO know @tom_mcghee in real life. Yes, he really IS a massive b*ll.
I could take a loss at this point – abject disappointment has become a good friend of mine over the course of the season *abject disappointment whispers ‘I hate you’* – if it meant we didn’t have to sit through the physical embodiment of banter that is Kevin Nolan’s goal celebration sponsored by #LADS.
I’m a goal celebration lover make no mistake, cut me and I bleed knee-slides: Goal Celebrations, United, Wife, Kids – in that order. But that one … oh, and the golf swing one. Come to think of it, the pointing at the name on the shirt is a bit meh these days. The baby cradling’s had its day – when Bebeto did it. And while we’re here those alleged racist ones are a bit very racist for my liking. Almost forgot about the pointing upwards one; I know where the sky is, thanks all the same. Lifting up your shirt to reveal a ‘Keep Calm…’ message; sorry Berba. That Robbie Keane one. That one Chandler off of Friends did that time. The punch in the eyes that is the Daniel Sturridge thing. Not to mention the myriad affected ones. And how could we forget the one I got my team to do as a protest against fox hunting, where we played out a whole scene, with the fox emerging victorious. Actually, that one was pretty good. Are there any celebrations left?
You think you know yourself.
Prediction: 2 – 3. Danny with his customary two (nice to have that back, like a warm hug). *A meat gag on account of the name Ham, with the punchline the stakes are too high (but steaks cos of the written/spoken thing)*