By the time you two read this, I will be dead.
I don’t know what’s gone wrong here. That worked so much better in my head with completely different words.
Anyway, Arsenal are the visitors tonight for this FA Cup match. As this is the first time that United and Arsenal will have met in this competition, there’s no history to compare anything to unless you compare it to a completely different facet of history: When our Neanderthal ancestors left Africa roughly 135,000 years ago, they adapted to the pathogens in their European environment, unlike modern humans who adapted toGONE! By the time you two read this, I will be gone. Gone to Jamaica. That’s what it was supposed to be. I’m in Jamaica right now is what I’m saying, and I’ll probably return the petty cash** when I get back from Jamaica, which is where I am. Jamaica. You’d both hate it here. In Jamaica.
**Dependant upon exchange rates and the price of Bob Marley ashtrays.
Prediction: Di Maria will finally discover that the reason he was playing so badly is that he was in my fantasy team this whole time. He’ll then realise that the FA Cup doesn’t count towards the Fantasy Premiership League and this will set the doubts creeping back in again. Vangle, sitting on his platinum throne atop a black onyx plinth in the exact centre of the dressing room, will notice all of this going through Angel’s mind and beckon him over with an almost imperceptible head movement. After several minutes of deferential listening, Di Maria will stand up and the rest of the squad will notice the purpose in the set of his shoulders, the rekindled fire in his eyes and the urgency in his stride out to the pitch. Vangle will allow himself a knowing smile before turning to Giggs and saying: “It begins”. 1-0 Arsenal.
This guy couldn’t be found for an interview, but several people have assured me that he is an actual United player. I reckon his favourite things would include VO5 hot oil, the Citroen Picasso and apples:
“Who says a jazz band can’t play dance music?
Who says a rock band can’t play funky?
Who says a funk band can’t play rock? Oh yeah
We’re gonna play some funk so loud
We’re gonna rock ‘n’ roll the crowd
Just watch them dance, watch them dance”
Louis Van Gaal, 9th March 2015
Prediction: What Benno and Brett said, but without the words. Jamaica is for jazz flutists. And the last time there was any magic in a cup it got Cedric Diggory killed and we all had to put up with R-Patz and Team Jacob. So think on.
We learned this week that when Arsene Wenger holds a football boot up to his ear he hears United players celebrating from that game against Arsenal, when Giggsy scored that runny-runny-hard-kick-right-in-the-net goal.
Wenger was in sentimental mood as he later recalled the infamous wine bottle incident from his brief appearance in Big Brother 6:
“There are cameras everywhere, that means basically we are always spied on, from morning until night, and that is a little bit less freedom to go over the line sometimes.
Even if it is 10 years later or 15 years later, people will be less inclined to do it today because they think, ‘oh, for the rest of my life that could come out, so I won’t do it’.”
Anyway… kicky sport …
I didn’t see it and couldn’t be bothered to read anything about it either before forming a very unhelpful opinion about those disgraceful FA Cup scenes at Villa Park at the weekend. If someone’s going to empty a whole bag of space raiders* all over the pitch then they should be made to pick up every single last one of them, and none of the fans responsible should be allowed to go home until they have. Littering > Spitting.
I remember I did the ‘by the time you read this I will be dead’ joke, the first time I had a beer.
Prediction: The giant FA Cup, sponsored by magic, magical magician to magically lift the last giant magic paper cup with his giant magical hands to reveal he had magically hidden all the magical FA Cup, sponsored by magic, magical goals from the magical FA Cup, sponsored by magic, quarter finals at Old Trafford. 0-0.
*often referred to incorrectly as space ‘invaders’ by people. You had to be there.