Bifurcated Manchester United ~ United vs Liverpool

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Benno (@Benglorious)

Dave signs a new contract after flirting with another team and the world goes nuts, yet Rooney scores fifty goals against San Marino and he’s a fraud. A fake footballer’s shirt is exhibited in a museum to show the dangers of becoming a parody of yourself and one person cares, yet a real footballer is used as a mule to carry cocaine diamonds from Colombia to London via Monaco and Manchester and the story isn’t even mentioned by the thirty journalists I told it to, even though it would perfectly explain why his legs don’t work properly anymore. I’ve forgotten my point.

Opposition summary: Liverpool used to be the best, then they were nearly good. They also had a spell of being nearly bad, before a spirited re-emergence as one of the most nearly good teams in the Premiership League. Currently, they are fucking clown shoes.

Prediction: Dave and Roonsquad to keep hogging the headlines by somehow locking each other in the toilets. Because of this, Marcy Arl will have to make his day bew both up front and in goal simultaneously. Even with the dynamic cutting edge of Balotelli fed by the genius of Gerrard, Liverpool will not be able to beat the universe’s most expensive teenager, who will then justify his fee by scoring all the goals ever. 0-0 United.

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

United v Liverpool still remains the yardstick by which all football is judged; last year (March 2015), over 16000 million people watched the game, in over 3000 countries – Barca v R Madrid (hereafter known as ‘El Scum’) could only manage 17. And they were all in Spain. Why is it called a ‘train’ of thought?

Have decided to review some films instead:

The Game (Michael Douglas, Sean Penn)

Not a traditional game so the title was misleading, little disappointed in the lie. That aside, pretty good.

Day Watch/Night Watch (Konstantin Khabensky)

Really, really weird. Like when Homer remembers watching Twin Peaks but nothing like that. Literally no idea. That aside, pretty good.

Pineapple Express (Seth Rogen, James Franco)

Danny McBride teaches you how to be more aerodynamic when you fight (spoiler: its shaving your armpits) and also kills someone with a Daewoo Lanos. Has Seth Rogen in it. That aside, pretty good.

The Piano (Holly Hunter, Anna Paquin, Harvey Keitel)

Despite the well-deserved acclaim for Schlinder’s List, if it had been any other year, we’d almost certainly be talking about Jane Campion’s film as Best Picture winner in ’94. Campion’s story – Ada (Hunter), a 19th Century Scottish woman who communicates solely through her piano, travels to New Zealand for an arranged marriage, only to fall under the spell of an illiterate, tattooed neighbour (Keitel) – has the quiet eroticism, passion and authenticity of a Victorian novel. Around this tragic story, Campion creates an almost otherworldly and surreal version of the past aided notably by Stuart Dryburgh’s cinematography and the very nature of her surroundings. That aside, pretty good.

Masterstroke signing Dave from ourselves to keep the net spend down. Probably. I’m not sure how it works

Prediction: I’m not sure who Liverpool are, despite what I said earlier. Nevertheless, we’re not very good and don’t seem able to score the required goals needed to win games. I think this works against us. 8-0 United, Gerrard for Nasri, Martial to score 12.

Brett (@tchooo)

I was sad to hear of the terrible passing of Stevie G last season. BOOM. One sentence. One great joke. Striker. Eat. It. These smaller sentences aren’t helping my stats. Idiot. Drat.

Liverpool F.C have a long tradition in being Liverpool F.C and a long history in the same thing. In this context history and tradition probably mean the same thing, so they’re just acting the big I am by having both. But they do have a long history and tradition in that too.

Vangle’s boys forgot to put the teaspoon back in the top of the dressing room when they put it back in the fridge and Michael ‘ Michael Carrick ‘ Carrick and Roonswipe made their feelings clear by driving around in their cars looking like they were doing complicated algebras in their heads. I’m sure Vangle really gives one.

Prediction: Danny with his cous cous salad on a bed of rocket. Mata to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack, and submit it to @Manutd’s online competition to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack, just so he could recreate it and submit it to @Manutd’s online competition to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack. Or not. Up to him. Someone has to beat that little kid who submitted that one that was on the web the other day, where he’s kicked it from the wrong side of the goalbag. Idiot. A comfortable 0-0.