FA Cup Final day is the most important day of the year unless Arsenal are playing. They’re not, so we all dodged a collective bullet this year. Can you actually imagine how big such a bullet, and how big the gun that fired it, would have to be, not even taking into account that everyone in the world would need to organise themselves into some sort of tight group to maximise devastation? We asked the top scientists in the world (Stephen Hawking, Neil Degrasse Tyson and that guy who played keyboards for Tony Blair) to calculate the actual size of said bullet and here are their findings: Quite large, probably bigger than a horse. I’ve forgotten my point.
I watched Deadpool (2016) last night but film reviews are a sign of weak character and feeble legs. That aside, pretty good.
Opposition Summary: London’s Crystal Palace are the only team left in the FA Cup that play in the Premiership League apart from Manchester United. They wear second-hand Barcelona shirts and have adopted their city’s most famous wild animal, the eagle, as their mascot. Alan Pardew, their charismatic manager, found fame before football as the inventor of the melon.
Prediction: What a game we’re in store for today! Goals for Borthwick-Jackson, Fosu-Mensah and Memphis-Depay ensure a comfortable victory for Jose Mourinho’s Red and White Army. 0-0 FT, 0-0 AET, United win 0-0 on penalties.
I like the symmetry of it all; 26 years ago we won the FA cup to begin a period of unparalleled success. This nicely bookends it. If only old ham-face had realised ages ago that he’s a bit of a bell (ham-face is being used here to describe LVG, not that time Brett put ham on his face). Still, cup final is a cup final and as any liverpool fan will tell you, losing one 3-1 after being a goal up is horrible. Although hilarious if you’re us and watching them.
The average human male femur only weighs 400gms.
You Only Live Twice (1967)
Firstly, that title: You only live once. It was a meme for ages. Sean turns Japanese (I really think so hashtag only80skids) and it is racist. Cold war shenanigans – again! – as spaceships go missing and everyone’s like ‘wh-whut? send in James, he’ll blend in’. Noteworthy for great names – Kissy Suzuki, Tiger Tanaka and Little Nellie who is actually a helicopter – and the scene that inspired Hank Scorpio. Basically, without this film you’d have no hammock district. Let that sink in. That aside, pretty good.
Prediction: The final that will be second only to Stanley Matthews as Memphis tears it right up. Really good feeling about Memphis this game. Memphis. Wayne to defeat Apocalypse. 3-0 United, Memphis hat-trick.
According to the FA Cup form books, this game is a nailed on 3-3 draw, cos of 26 years ago innit.
Did I ever tell you that I taught Keith Houchen all he knows? Including: how to write in ye olde English with a felt calligraphy pen? How to maximise the life-span of a goldfish; the correct administration and implementation with regards to their dietary requirements? The correct use of a pumice stone? And usage per stone? Well, you’re never gonna know, cos Benno posted this preview before I had chance to finis
Prediction: Call me an idiot but this game has got a Tony V left-footed-match-winning goal written all over it. Idiot. 0-0 United. 0-0 United (a.e.t). o-o United on pens. That was gonna be my a joke, but just to reiterate Benno posted thi