It’s here at last. The big one I’ve been waiting for. It’s been over a week since I last glued my eyes to something of such importance and intensity. In the meantime, I’ve had to settle for the non-match of a comfortable win against one of the other Uniteds (I forget which). Even Mata bagging his first brace (as predicted by me for a different match entirely) wasn’t enough to take my mind off the aforementioned “big one”. I’ve been like a child adventing (if that’s not a verb, I’m ruddy claiming it) my way towards Exmas: counting down the days, consoling myself each morning with one less sleep to worry about, constantly checking the date and eating a disgusting chocolate in lieu of breakfast. Fibre broadband was well worth the wait.
There’s some football on tonight as well, or so the so-called “authorities” would have you believe. Just to keep off their radar, I’ll go along with their sham and write a few bits about it. United flew to Europe yesterday (that’s tomorrow if you’re reading this Monday just gone) for their match against their opponents at their opponent’s stadium in their opponent’s country. This is the second leg of the match, which I assume is best of three sets. The winner of this match goes on to some form of round-robin-winner-takes-all-next-goal-wins-can’t-tag-your-butcher-pistols-at-dawn-big-championship game. Then they give the trophy to Barcelona.
Players to watch out for tonight include Juan Mata, who no doubt will get his fair share of camera time (why have we taken a player who can’t even play (not you, Clevz)? No bloody wonder the club’s in so much debt); Bastian Schweinsteiger, who no doubt will also get his fair share of camera time due to him nearly killing Rooney in the last game (that’s if he’s even got the guts to show his face. I would if I was him: tickets must be well cheap at your own stadium if you’re a player); and finally, the whole team playing against us (someone told a mate of mine that they’re supposed to be quite good. Said “mate” then relayed this information to me. I wrote it down here. The technical term for this is “research”.
Prediction: Moyes will have learned from the last outing that Fellaini is only cut out for chest tricks and time-wasting, so he will be saved for when we need to protect our lead. To get into this “lead” situation I’ve just mentioned, and which I assume is a good thing, Rooney will score from 97 yards, Welbz will zup zup for Brett’s customary two and Good Kagawa will be the glorious architect of it all; cementing his place in the annals of United history. Glory, Glory Man United!!! 1-0 Bayern
No offerings from Mum today, although she did give me a yoghurt which I ate.
About the author: I didn’t really eat it.
What part of ‘you don’t have to play Wayne Rooney in every single game to get the best out of our squad, to play the most magical football (that we are more than capable of playing), to facilitate the enjoyment of football for all United’s fans and all interested neutrals, to get the best results, and to make the world a better place’, does Moyes not understand? Oh actually, I just worked it out: it’s the ‘don’t’ bit.
The allegation – or is it the crocodilation (I can never tell the difference) – levelled at us by most sane people, after the first leg, was that we’re too regressive to progress; and thus haven’t got a chance. But I read in a book once that ‘history teaches us that it’s often the ‘mad’ ones that get it right’, and if it’s in a book then it must be true. I’ve never read anything in a book to make me doubt that things in books aren’t true. Have you? Didn’t think so. I have only read that one book, and I only skimmed it, cos I was watching Take Me Out and Paddy had just said something right funny (you had to be there), but still … if we can just find someone mad enough to predict a United win, then I’m pretty sure that means it’s going to happen. Are you still with me? Good. Well, can you explain to me what on earth I just said? ‘cos I stopped listening/caring about 580 posts ago. If I’m honest I sometimes drive myself … mad. Hold on a minute…!
Prediction: 2-3. Danny with his customary two. The other from Swag. POTY in waiting Dave to do as he do (#VoteDave). The David Moyes we’ve got to remove his mask and reveal he was the David Moyes we hoped we might be getting, all along.