Bournemouth vs. United

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Huzzah, the football’s back. It’s been sorely missed what with the lack of an international tournament during the summer as well as no preseason friendlies, plus the Olympics not recognising it as a sport.

United have bought a new manager this summer, who in turn has bought some new players, who in turn have bought some new kits. Some money was spent. Some will be earned. It’s the circle, the circle of life.

Prediction: Bournemouth to probably field a team of their best players or thereabouts. United to field a team that isn’t picked by social media users, again using their best players or thereabouts. The FA to negate the result post-match due to both teams fielding ineligible thereabouts. 6-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Football. Bloody hell. Quoted a thousand times, it finally applies to United as a positive again; with the appointment of Jose – who seems to be on a charm offensive with any wavering fans – and some actual business acumen, our transfer business has seen the arrival of three definite stars and a CB who can tackle. Even the most pessimistic United fan has started to believe.

Given the scale of changes made and the ramifications of the Pogba signing, the opener against Bournemouth could be a real statement of intent for United and despite our new record signing not playing, I think its time we talked about R2D2:

A 3-legged Astromech utility droid (part of the R2 series. Like the M Series BMWs), he is one of the most famous automatons in the galaxy (usually paired with C3PO, a jerkoff). Communicating solely through a series of beeps and whistles, his programming has developed a near human personality that is quite the sass (in his defence, 3PO is a jerkoff). Designed to operate in deep space, Artoo is usually placed in a socket behind the cockpit of fighter craft where he interfaces with said ship to augment the capabilities of both ship and pilot. A bit like if cocaine was a robot. His responsibilities include monitoring/diagnosing flight performance, maps, hyperspace data, twitter notifications etc.

As previously mentioned, whilst he is capable of understanding most human speech, his own communications must be translated by his companion (3PO, jerkoff) or whichever ship’s computer he’s engaged with. R2’s domed head is fully rotational – when he gets a shock its goes round and round and round, it’s very funny – and contains infrared sensors, electromagnetic field sensors, logic dispenser (like a Pez but with less sweets), a radar eye, heat/motion detectors and holographic recorder/projector. Assume it’s Swiss made. His cylindrical body hides many useful instruments including a storage/retrieval jack for computer link-up, fire extinguisher, cattle prod, laser welder, circular saw and Inception DVD.

Most of the time Artoo trundles along on 2 wheels although an additional or third wheel can be deployed over rough terrain. Rough but flat terrain. In the prequels (bad films made by a bad man) he could fly but this is bullshit.

While he used to chill with Anakin and Obi-Wan, that’s bullshit and his adventures really start aboard the Tantive IV when it was captured by Vader’s Devastator Star Destroyer. The rest is history (literally; both the film and the events in the film happened a long/a long long time ago.)

Career Highlights:

• Escapes to Tatooine with Death Star plans, thus thwarting Vader once. Jerkoff is with him.
• Finds Obi-Wan, thereby kickstarting the return of the Jedi
• Delivers plans to Rebel Alliance after saving everyone’s ass on Death Star
• Helps Luke do some real property damage yo, Emperor gonna be maaad
• Gets Luke to Yoda, continuing resurgence of Jedi (actually good)
• Gets Luke to Bespin, sorts hyperdrive saving everyone and thwarting Vader a second time
• Infiltrates Jabba’s Palace. No nonsense, unlike 3PO (jerkoff), facilitates everyone’s escape (Luke helps)
• Endor. Is a legend
• Has well deserved and epic nap, wakes up, finds Luke.

NB: does not include imagined heroics in PT and very actual heroics in TV cartoon Droids

Kenny Baker/R2 1934-2016

Prediction: Rashford hat-trick after R2’s ghost gives inspirational HT speech. 2-0 United 

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so very, very, very, very, very, very, very much to talk about. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so very, very, very, very, very, very, very much to reflect upon. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so very, very, very, very, very, very, very much to discuss. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so very, very, very, very, very, very, very much to consider. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so very, very, very, very, very, very, very much to conversate about. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so very, very, very, very, very, very, very much to talSHIT, did that one also.  I just don’t know where to start…

oney’s hole AGAIN BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We’ll just have to wait and see. The end.

Prediction: No-one to get my jokes where I say ‘where to start…’ and then start at the end of – what on the surface appears to be – a very long think piece, but is in actual fact all I’ve actually bloody written. Still got it. Zlatan to admit in the post-match press conference that Zlatan Time is two hairs past a freckle. 0-0 United.