United vs Newcastle

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I haven’t done one because I don’t work on Jesus Birthday but I’m sick of these two putting words in my mouth something something Optimus Prime something Star Wars something Nasri for Rooney. I don’t know why this is in bold band massive.

Prediction: Font changes back to…smaller….Some goals are either scored or not scored but we definitely win. Although again, this will depend on the goals scored. Let’s say 3.

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Benno (@Benglorious):

Just found out today (that’s fourteen days ago if you’re reading this in a fortnight) that there’s no rest for the wicked (“wicked” as in 90’s sk8er (it’s a cool way of saying “skater” but you use the figure “8” instead of the “ate” sound in “skater”) slang for “good” and not the normal evil meaning) over the festive period, and so United have to play Boxing Day.  They’ll actually be playing football and not boxing each other despite the day’s misleading name.  Boxing Day actually has nothing to do with sport of any kind, but is named after the Chinese (see how easy that was to say, Mr Whelan?) legend Bo Xing who invented turkey curry and charades.

Newcastle are the visitors today.  You’ll know them by the black and white shirts they’ll be wearing and also because they’re the team that aren’t United.  Well, they technically ARE a United, but seeing as this is a Manchester United website (is that right?) all references to United should be taken as read in reference to United.  Manchester United and not Newcastle, who are also a United but aren’t Manchester United.  They’re Newcastle United.  They are NOT Manchester United.

Players to watch out for are Gabriel Obertan, Shaka Hislop and Tony Blair.

 

Prediction: After last week’s trouncing of Villa, Vangle will be looking to hit the thousand mark with his unbeaten streak.  Newcastle, after a recent poor run of games, will be very cagey to start with and United will find them difficult to break down.  A soft penalty decision, with the kick converted easily by Robin, will be the only difference between the two teams at halftime.  Pardew will change his tactics for the second half, and this will give Falcao the freedom he needs up front to bag his first brace in a United shirt: the first, a scorching left-footed half-volley into the top corner from thirty yards out; and the second, a deft back-heeled flick in off the post from fifty-five yards out.  Newcastle will then be distracted by a horse punching a fan, and Shaw will score his first ever United goal to complete the rout.  1-0 Newcastle.

 

United’s newest Hollandman, Daley Blind, lists his likes as falconry, Northumberland and collecting thimbles:

Blind

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc):

Aahhh, the trad Boxing Day game (‘trad’ is a cool way of saying ‘traditional’, it’s kind of shorthand; it just saves a bit of time when you’re writing opinion pieces like this one over the busy festive period). I’m not sure what’s so traditional about it, I’m guessing players from The Premier League swap turkey sandwiches and are allowed to play in their xmas (‘xmas’ is a cool way of saying ‘Christmas’, it’s shorthand; it just saves a bit of time when you’re writing opinion pieces like this one over the busy festive period) cracker party hats as long as they don’t clash with the referee’s xmas cracker party hats, or the other teams. In the stead (‘in the stead’ is a cool way of saying ‘instead of’ it’s kind of longhand; it’s just for those occasions where you’ve saved a bit of time, when you’re writing opinion pieces like this one, by using shorthand already, and you realise you’ve now got a bit more time over the busy festive period) of the trad handshake at the start of the game, players exchange unwanted gifts or credit notes for John Lewis and Marks and Sparks.

Newcastle United come into their own after Christmas, during the sales. That’s funny cos bar codes.

It’s panto season (‘trousoro series’ for our English readers), and with STABLE David the Savids in between the onion bagginets – HE’S BEHIND YOU! – King Louis delivering the GOLD, FRANKINSYSTEMS and MURDER (Mata for our Spanish readers) and ANGEL di Maria in a STARRING role and Robin Van Shepherdspie always GETTING ON TO A CROSS, we’re, undoubtably, indubitably, undoubtedly, going to put in a MERRY strong performance, without a doubt. OH YES WE ARE!

If we were HOME ALONE, this would be a 3-0 walkover. That’s funny cos Christmas films.

Prediction: OH NO WE’RE ISN’T. OH YES WE ARE. OH NO WE’RE ISN’T. OH YES WE Aetc

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