Di Maria

EL: Rostov 1 - 1 United

EL: Rostov 1 – 1 United

Our exclusive fan poll after the game revealed that, of the 665 billion United fans around the world, over 70% would rather eat their own death than watch the second leg of this game. In other news, our Kickstarter to have this game struck from the records has been flagged by the financial ombudsman, as […]

CL: United vs Brugge

CL: United vs Brugge

  m  Benno (@Benglorious)   LADS LADS LADS IT’S CHAMPIONS LEAGUE qualifiers I went to Brugge once.  I didn’t.  I saw In Bruges (2008) once.  Are they the same place?  I guess we’ll never know.  All we do know is that Brugge is an anagram of ‘bugger’ and In Bruges is an anagram of ‘Colin Farrell is a nob’. […]

United vs City

Tom (@tom_mcghee) Something about football, lazy joke, Optimus Prime reference, obscure Mos Eisley reference, peas and carrots peas and carrots   My preview (if poss, no computer here innit) Lemon Cristal ***** Moonshine ***** Tangerine Dream *** Super Polm **** Lemon Haze Iso *****   Weed reviews go first, stupid data package f*cking it up […]

Swansea vs United

Swansea vs United

  Benno (@Benglorious) It’s been a strange week at Bifurcated Towers.  Lots have questions have been raised after we’ve had to deal with the fallout from that tweet from the last game in Preston: Is there a Quality Street in Wales?  Is there any way to find out?  Why do radiators and sinks need earthing?  If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, […]

United vs Newcastle

United vs Newcastle

Tom (@Tom_McGhee): I haven’t done one because I don’t work on Jesus Birthday but I’m sick of these two putting words in my mouth something something Optimus Prime something Star Wars something Nasri for Rooney. I don’t know why this is in bold band massive. Prediction: Font changes back to…smaller….Some goals are either scored or not scored […]

Soton vs United

Soton vs United

Tom (@Tom_McGhee): Having received a record number of complaints last week (Paul, Paul’s Dad) about how the previews have “lost their way”, this week will be a comprehensive analysis of both Southampton and United’s seasons so far. It won’t, obviously, but since only Paul (and Paul’s Dad) are still reading at this point, at least […]

United vs Chelsea

United vs Chelsea

  Benno (@Benglorious): I’ve actually been to Stamford Bridge a few times, and a couple of those were even to watch that football thing that so many people know and love.  I’ve seen Eric get booked for scoring an outrageous lob on Boxing Day and I’ve also seen Rooney miss a penalty in the League […]

West Brom vs United

West Brom vs United

Benno (@Benglorious): It’s been such a relief having this international break and watching some superb England performances.  I’ve never understood how people can say “club before country”.  Firstly, the national team is obviously better at the football because it’s picked from the best players in the country, which makes their games far more enjoyable to […]

United 2 – 1 Everton

From the moment the line-up was announced it was fairly obvious what was coming next. The following ninety-odd minutes or so certainly proved to be just that; obvious (keep up).  That’s not to say I disliked what I saw; at least you know what you’re getting when those names appear and you read them to […]

Leicester 5 - 3 United

Leicester 5 – 3 United

Told you that was gonna happen.

Leicester vs United

Leicester vs United

Benno (@Benglorious): “Lololololo Radamel Falcao!” Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that tens of thousands of people laughing at their club’s latest signing can’t be good for the player in question’s confidence.  This showed last Sunday as the poor bloke started his United career with zero goals.  Seeing as this is what he was hired […]

United 4 - 0 QPR

United 4 – 0 QPR

*You have reached the voicemail service for Cornelius Biff. Please leave your message after the tone* *BEEEEEEP*

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