Footballiversity #3

Multiversity is an ongoing DC comics series written by Grant Morrison. Every month sees a story in a different version of the DC universe (eg kids of the well-known heroes who have nothing to do because their parents created a utopia where the bad guys can never win) loosely tied around a seemingly haunted comic book. Footballiversity and the various numbered Footballiverses are a shameless rip-off of the comics device (found elsewhere too, of course) of using parallel universes when you have nothing else to write about, and is an idea that came to me while reading Multiversity, although in a parallel universe Grant Morrison got the idea from me.

Footballiversity Issue #3 – Footballiverse 16

January

Footballiverse 16 is the land of the most disreputable, unlikable, pantomime villainous figures outside of Luis Suarez – investment bankers. Players are stocks and shares, and managers are those guys in suits who yell ‘Time is money dammit’ before breaking their telephones and going off to smoke a cigar and rip off pensioners.

A montage of The City [stock footage, we can’t afford to go there ourselves, have you seen trans-Footballiverse ticket prices?!]. Twenty cars with tinted windows roll up to the crass, bombastic building that is Premier League HQ. Jose clips Manuel’s heels as they cross paths entering the office and swaggers away, chuckling. Ginger Sean growls a thank you to his driver who offers him a cough sweet, but Sean declines. He’s not needed medicine since he was four years old, he’s not going to break his record now – cough sweets are a sign of weakness. Arsene takes his time, waiting for an empty lift, reading the paper. He doesn’t need to rush. He’s been in the top group of stockbrokers basically since he got here, and being one of the best is pretty much the same as being the best, right?

The day starts slowly – there’s not much value in the market. At some point Louis snaps up some cheap VIC-VAL stock, which is a potentially strange move as there might not be room for them alongside his valuable DDG shares in his portfolio. Louis’ desk is also a source for discussion because, while all of the data suggests his stock should be falling, his position is staying stable, despite some notable underperformers (FAL, RVP, and EVA-SMAL-JO).

Jose’s shares take a hit, losing out at the expense of Mauricio and Manuel, while Manuel’s shares take a big hit in turn when Arsene’s portfolio seems to grow substantially more solid and reliable. The financial press goes into overdrive, hailing this turn in Arsene’s strategy. At the other end of the office, Unhappy Paul has a particularly bad day, his only business being an acquisition of GIL while the rest of his shares steadily began to fall.

The close of the day looming, more deals begin to be done. Jose sells TORR and brings in CUAD, who many had been keeping an eye on; Arsene buys GAB, boosting one of the thinner areas of his portfolio; talk emerges of ADE moving away from his place in Mauricio’s group and into Big Sam’s, but no deal could be made. Out of nowhere, HIR [High Intensity Runs] gains a large amount of interest following media exposure, but the interest quickly fades.

The office table football tournament really heats up in the late afternoon with Manuel losing to a northern junior analyst and Jose – yes, the ever self-confident Jose – loses to a teaboy. He proceeds to have a strop for the rest of the day. (Mauricio also lost to Nigel (or Big Nige, as he likes to call himself – the nickname hasn’t caught on), but this was overshadowed by the other giant-killings).

The day ends with Jose still sulking, despite leading the race for the coveted Premier League Employee of the Month trophy, with Steve, ‘Arry, and Big Nige all in danger of getting the sack.

 

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“Issue 4: February”, coming 4/3/15; subsequent Issues coming on the first Wednesday after the end of the month

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