Phil Jones

Newcastle 1 - 0 United

Newcastle 1 – 0 United

Phil Jones and Chris Smalling are the best. BEST. ABSO BEST. In a parallel Universe Jose got his wish and the game is still being played. It’s currently 9087 – 0. Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. I didn’t watch the game because I wasn’t watching it. 2. My new jam is Taken The Series. […]

Tottenham Hotspurs 2 - 0 United

Tottenham Hotspurs 2 – 0 United

<—- Match Summary. Here’s 5 things we learned from the “match”: 1. Fuck off. 2. Some fans think Jose is more to blame than Phil Jones for Phil Jones’ og. It has kept me awake at nights. 3. Weird when we win we’re still shit but any time anyone beats us we’re the best scalp […]

EL Semi Final: Celta Vigo vs. United

EL Semi Final: Celta Vigo vs. United

m m (@Benglorious) Celta Vigo are not a team United should be taking lightly this evening. After all, this IS the business end of the elite Europa competition-that-isn’t-for-the-best-clubs-in-Europe-but-still-gives-us-annoying-midweek-games-that-make-us-draw-all-our-important-matches-but-at least-if-we-do-win-the-whole-thing-it-does-mean-that-we’re-better-than-Liverpool League. Prediction: Another debut goal for Rashford and yet another hat-trick for Ronaldo as the Reds cruise to an easy victory. 0-0 United m m  (@tom_mcghee) […]

The Radiohead: Phil Jones

The Radiohead: Phil Jones

United vs. WBA

United vs. WBA

(@Benglorious) It’s been so long since I watched any football that wasn’t full of broken legs and weird statues that I’m actually looking forward to watching the game today. Any spare tickets? I also need a lift and accommodation. And spending money. www.patreon.com/bifurcated m m Prediction: With Jones out, injured by Smalling, and Smalling out, […]

EL: Rostov 1 - 1 United

EL: Rostov 1 – 1 United

Our exclusive fan poll after the game revealed that, of the 665 billion United fans around the world, over 70% would rather eat their own death than watch the second leg of this game. In other news, our Kickstarter to have this game struck from the records has been flagged by the financial ombudsman, as […]

S.Tarship: Rojo-Jones

S.Tarship: Rojo-Jones

LC: Northampton vs. United

LC: Northampton vs. United

  m  FBA-Nominated Maverick (@Benglorious) The last time we played Northampton we actually had good players who were proven goalscorers for United – Diego Forlan and Mikaël Silvestre both netted that day. Those were the good times. Nowadays, we’re not even sure we can beat a team that is five hundred places below us in the league […]

T. Unlimited: Phil Jones

T. Unlimited: Phil Jones

Season Review Innit

Season Review Innit

  *Hilarious introduction*    @EchoingQuack (85 year-old teenage girl) – How much longer are you going to keep the whole kooky “ooh there’s four of us” schtick up? feels a bit tired TBH TM: Fuck off cunt BG: Until after either Paul gets the presidency or the rest of us are dead by his hand. BU: […]

The ETNAR Beginning-of-the-Season End of Season Awards!

I was planning to do some (serious) end of season awards on my serious, stats-y blog (everyteamneedsaron.com) but ended up dramatically quitting football stats before the season’s end only to rise again, Messiah like, after it had finished. Meaning no end of season awards. So what better way to rectify that than the inaugural ETNAR […]

Bifourthplacated Season Review

Bifourthplacated Season Review

(Bifurcated – (n. adj. adv. v.) To half-arse something to the point of it being one-hundredth of a fourteenth of an arse and therefore of little consequence to anybody, alive or dead.) IT’S FINALLY OVER!!  NO MORE FOOTBALL EXCEPT THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL AND THE WOMEN’S WORLD CUP WHICH WE LOVE AND THE COPA AMERICA […]

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