Postgame

Tottenham Hotspurs 2 - 0 United

Tottenham Hotspurs 2 – 0 United

<—- Match Summary. Here’s 5 things we learned from the “match”: 1. Fuck off. 2. Some fans think Jose is more to blame than Phil Jones for Phil Jones’ og. It has kept me awake at nights. 3. Weird when we win we’re still shit but any time anyone beats us we’re the best scalp […]

FAC: Yeovil 0 - 4 United

FAC: Yeovil 0 – 4 United

The backdrop to the main event of Martin Keown’s co-commentary was a match played between two teams miles apart. 220.1 miles according to Google, if you travel via the M5 and M6. 269.1 miles via the A303. The train-line, though more direct, takes a little longer as has to take into account stations along the […]

Burnley 0 - 1 United

Burnley 0 – 1 United

As Anthony Martial continues to Anthony Martial his way through life, we continue to march/stumble/lol towards the top of the second place title. If only we could think of a way of getting our hands on a player like Alexis Sanchez, and getting rid of players like Mkhitaryan.   Here’s the five things we learned: […]

United 3 - 0 Stoke

United 3 – 0 Stoke

It was a welcome return to form for Paul Pogba as his two little passes ensured that both Tony V and Martial could not miss their absolute screamers from 20 yards. With Liverpool inflicting the first defeat of City’s momentous title challenge collapse, the only thing that can stand in the way of United and […]

FAC: Derby 0 - 2 United

FAC: Derby 0 – 2 United

As Jesse Lingered continues to single-handedly win us every trophy we have won in the past 30 years, Jose Mourinho continues to burn them. Here’s 5 things we learned innit: 1. Letting Steven drive is a mistake. 2. Lingard’s goal was good … but his dancing drives me mad !! 3. What game was it?

Everton 0 - 2 United

Everton 0 – 2 United

Rooney sure showed us. BahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahBAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH etc. Here’s 5 things we learnt: 1. Even without some of our first choice players I find it very difficult to believe that United can catch us now. 2. But you’rOh!! It’s a joke! 3. If you have dinner and miss the game the result seems better because you didn’t […]

United 0 - 0 Southampton

United 0 – 0 Southampton

As we consolidated our position at the top of the any normal English Premier League season table, with another outstanding top of the any normal English Premier League season table performance, we learned 5 things… 1. Explosive diarrhoea is preferable to what we just watched. 2. As is vomiting at the same time. 3. I […]

United 2 - 2 Burnley

United 2 – 2 Burnley

Messi Lingard saves the day once again. Though actually playing football quite well for 90 minutes might also be worth a try. Here’s another 5 things we learned: 1. hashtagmourihnoout 2. hashtagdychein 3. I wish your dog was dead too tbf. 4. That is too far Brett. Too far by far. 5. It was funny […]

Leicester 2 - 2 United

Leicester 2 – 2 United

MataLand. Like Matalan. But better. Probably less sales at Christmas. Here’s 5 learns: 1. Pogba’s shooting from distance was a highlight imho. 2. Missing all those chances was silly. 3. I enjoyed the parts of the game where it looked like we might win it. 4. Happy Christmas Cunts. 5. Right Backatcha. 6. Did I […]

EFL CUP QF: Bristol City 2 - 1 United

EFL CUP QF: Bristol City 2 – 1 United

Told you last minute goals were for tools. Here’s another 5 things we learned: 1. Wasn’t there a big row about not being on telly? It is on telly. Lol. What a day. 2. That was the fa cup. Read a fucking book sometime. 3. Not sure you can fit both teams on a telly […]

West Brom 1 - 2 United

West Brom 1 – 2 United

And the Reds go marchin’ on on on. Off. Here’s another 5 things we learned: 1. Have already forgotten entire game. 2. I think Tony V got injured. 3. Was that the game where Hammy Gammon Gary Barry scored?

United 1 - 0 Bournemouth

United 1 – 0 Bournemouth

1-0 to United. It’s just like the days of Eric. It isn’t. 5 things we learned: 1. Illegal streams leave a lot to be desired. 2. No Last Jedi spoilers McGhee I swear to God I’ll fuck you up. 3. Lips, sealed. But I was shocked to see Han return as a force ghost. 4. […]

Bi-Mark: Footballiversity

Bi-Benno: Where Are They Right Now..?

Bi-Konny: Michael Owen Reads Mean Tweets...

BifOtherStuffted