Jesse

EFLC: Swansea 0 - 2 United

EFLC: Swansea 0 – 2 United

I’m in a queue for tickets for next round. Bite me. Here’s 5 things what we learned: 1. GTA survivals have gotten a lot harder. 1. 40yr-old consumer units do not meet current safety regulations. 2. That was meant to be 2. 3. That one wasn’t. 4. 2 that is, not one.

T.Cranberries: Jesse Lingard

T.Cranberries: Jesse Lingard

Middlesborough 1 - 3 United

Middlesborough 1 – 3 United

United’s tactics have come under intense scrutiny after their second half display saw them revert to a flat back eleven. For those of you who are new to Association Football, a flat back eleven is kind of like a flat back twelve but without the extra character bought in on the heist and without the […]

West Ham 0 - 2 United

West Ham 0 – 2 United

Long lost brother (Another) guvner’s chicken curry (victory) Cor blimey (for) old taming of (the) twice fortnightly (mighty) double beds (Reds) white picket fenced (against) door (the) horses stable (lovable) Cockernee (cockney) Round-o’-darts (counterparts) Jean-Claude Van Dammers (West Ham).   Donkey’s tears (Here’s) a mambo (five) queens and kings (things) me ol’ china (we) jury […]

O.T.Wan: Lingard

O.T.Wan: Lingard

Community Championship: Leicester 1 - 2 United

Community Championship: Leicester 1 – 2 United

Football is back here. Fasten your safety helmets, buckle on … Bifurcated is slipping up through the Germaine Grears and turboing the machs to full futuristicism. Peddles to the medals… It’s the one, two (though technically a number), three, four, five, siSIX words you’ve all been waiting all your “Boohoo it’s not like 2014, we’ve […]

FA Cup Final: Crystal Palace 1 - 2 United (a.e.t)

FA Cup Final: Crystal Palace 1 – 2 United (a.e.t)

Winning cups >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Not winning cups. Here’s the final final five things us learned this season: 1. Hearing rumours Mourinho might be new Manager. 2. Pardew has stolen Ross and Monica’s Dad’s moves. 3. I liked it when Jesse scored the goal that won us the cup. It was like the opposite thing that happened […]

West Ham 3 - 2 United

West Ham 3 – 2 United

What a dramatic Sky Sports send off for Boleyn Park, as both teams played their part in a momentous Sky Sports game brought to you in association with Sky Sports, that should have been fondly remembered by generations of Sky Sports viewers for generations of Sky Sports. Sadly, the game will be remembered for the […]

EL: Liverpool vs United

¬†Benno¬†(@Benglorious)   Another one of your ill-timed jokes? You and I are enemies now.   Ruddy love Thursday night football – The sound of the crowd, the smell of the bread, the vast selection of fruit and vegetables, the surprisingly excellent array of electrical goods… No, wait – that’s Sainsbury’s. I ruddy love Sainsbury’s. Thursday […]

FAC: Shrewsbury 0 – 3 United

Someone is going to have to spend the next few years stitching Shrewsbury Town a new goal hole, after Vangle’s Army went absolutely averageish, and ripped them a new one. Actually, they ripped them a new one, so someone should stop stitching a another new one, especially with the payroll capping and demands of these […]

Chelsea 1 - 1 United

Chelsea 1 – 1 United

After promising to do a win, with some promising doings, Vangle’s boychilds allowed a sexy baddy with a pair of dirty knickers on his face grab a late equalizerer. Even though we’re writing this after the Sunderland game, and the 1 Euro League, we’re looking forward to taking this promisingness into the next two games […]

United 3 – 0 Stoke

With heavy heart we bid a fond farewell and wave a tear-stained hanky to the goalless first half feats of yesteryear. Hoping this is merely a blip tbh. Jesse-dawg, Martial-dawg, and Roon-dawg proved themselves to be the swashbuckliest of swasherers, with net-bulging scorings that could shiver the timbers of the mightiest haunted pirate tree on […]

Bi-Mark: Footballiversity

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Bi-Konny: Michael Owen Reads Mean Tweets...

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