Yo! My T.V Rap
Unfortunately for the thousands upon thousands of Bifurcated fans around the world, Bifurcated has parted company with our resident musician faux-Dion Dublin. We have cut all imagined ties with the Jazz fusion triped after he was spotted in real life moonlighting on the Beeb’s MOTD3 programme.
FEAR NOT! The house band has been on a recruitment drive since ‘In a Word’ and replaced the ‘Dubemeister’ with Hip-Hop/Garage legend faux-Andrew Cole and faux-Peter Schmeichel…
The downloadable audio version of the song was destroyed by the production company as much to their annoyance faux-Peter Schmeichel refused to restrict his performance to anything less than 17 continuous piano and guitar solos.
Here’s a version we recorded while faux-Peter was distracted by his own reflection…
This message goes out to my main man Tony V,uh. My analogue monologue, uh. Peace!
*The looped sample to the opening bars of Dire Straits's Money For Nothing fades in...*
I want my…I want my…I want my…I want my Man, T.V…
*After the guitar lick builds a Hip-Hop beat
kicks in and loops over the top.
The Money for Nothing sample continues to repeat
as part of the backing track (If you can tell I
haven't got a clue what I'm talking about then hush,
you're ruining it for everyone else).
The guitar lick has sampled quotes layered over
the top as the tension builds towards the verse.
The O.T stadium announcer, "Number 25, Antonio Valencia"!
Rooney, "It's great to have him in the team".
Jeff Stelling, "What a cross, from that young man".
Ecaudorian commentator "Gooooal Valencia"!*
If I had the cheddar, I’d buy me a…
Delorean!
(Together)
Takin me back, when my favourite…
Ecuadorian!
(Together)
Owned the…
Touchline!
(Together)
Twerkin it…
Fine!
(Together)
Wha?
(My)P.O.T.Y, 200 and…
9!
(Together)
Reminisce on those days when you silenced the…
Hacks!
(Together)
For you I’d pay astronomical…
Value added tax!
(Together)
A gentleman, a freak, a monster…
A Thinker!
(Together)
And nuff respect due for replacing…
The ‘Winker’!
(Together)
It’s T for…
Trouble!
(Together)
.
and V for…
Vendetta!
(Together)
.
He’s…
Not arrogant…
(Together with United Fans)
.
He’s…
Just Better!
(Together with United fans)
*The sampled chorus thumps back in...
punctuated with freestyled Ad-libs*
You get your Money for Nothing…
Uh!
I want my,I want my,I want my,I want my Man, T.V…
Money for Nothing…
It aint all about the Benjamins!
I want my,I want my,I want my,I want my Man, T.V…
Money for Nothing…
T.V, Uh!
I want my,I want my,I want my,I want my Man, T.V…
Money for Nothing…
And the checks on me!
(Together)
(?)
*The guitar lick builds again and again the
Hip-Hop beat kicks in and loops over the top.
This time interspersed with sampled quotes from
SAF "He's a great lad".
Alan Hansen "Unbelievable"!
Guy Mowbray "What a finish by Valencia"
and Sir Bobby Charlton "He's some player"
dipping in and under the drum beat as it
builds to the second verse*
Never heard more harsh words…
Spoken!
(Together)
Your ankle was just like my heart…
It was broken!
(Together)
When you returned, I was all out…
Maxin!
(Together)
Tellin my homies, textin…
And faxin!
(Together)
Now it seems, your bench or right…
Back!
(Together)
And this is why we lay down…
This track!
(Together)
My message to playaz, my message to…
Nani!
(Together)
.
.
.
Try being consistent and not such…
.
.
A Fanny!
(Together)
We’d be so much better with T.V in…
.
Our armies!
(Together)
All y’all haterz, choke on your…
.
.
Prawn sarnies!
(Together)
He’s aint just your box standard…
T.V!
(Together)
.
He’s a…
Giant!
(Together)
.
Dynamic!
(Together)
.
.
HD READY!
(Together)
*A sample of 'Dream Warriors - My Definition
of A Boombastic Jazz Style' cuts in above
the backing track momentarily, repeating the line
"My definition, my definition is this..."*
*The sampled chorus thumps back in...while
Faux-Andy Cole and Brett Burgers have a dance off with
Tony V himself*
You get your Money for Nothing…
I want my,I want my,I want my,I want my Man, T.V…
Money for Nothing…
I want my,I want my,I want my,I want my Man, T.V…
You get your Money for Nothing…
I want my,I want my,I want my,I want my Man, T.V…
Money for Nothing…
I want my,I want my,I want my,I want my Man, T.V…
You get your Money for Nothing…
I want my,I want my,I want my,I want my Man, T.V…
Money for Nothing…
I want my,I want my,I want my,I want my Man, T.V…
*Repeats to fade...and the distant sound of a telephone can be heard...*
Woah!! That’ll be ruddy PRS again! Better make a move.
Okay, on the subject of legalities, any likenesses of the characters in this post to real Andrew Cole’s or Peter Schmeichel’s is purely coincidental.
And we love Nani really (mostly).
Respect!
**********
Other music related ‘analogue features’ available on the Bi-player:
Fairytale of (name removed on legal advice)
