As promised, us the real heroes, have got the hot scoop (old newspaper term) on the most recent club leaks. Obviously as superfans we’ve long been privy to the club’s inner workings but think the time is right to tell you, the reader, what we’ve learnt. Learned? Learnt? (These are alternative forms of the past tense and past participle of the verb learn. Both are acceptable.)
Anyway, onto the cold hard facts we haven’t made up or heard second-hand (our source is a senior member at the club but to protect his identity, we’ll call him Bryan Figgs)
Us: Yo B-Dogg, whassup?
BF: Shouldn’t that be R-Dogg?
Us: You’ve fucking ruined your anonymity, Ry… er, Bryan.
BF: This bird’s gonna fly. (It was at this point Bryan jumped through our window. He’s almost perfectly fine – we’re poor so there’s no glass. However, we are on the third floor.)
Fearing for our exclusive, we had one last throw of the dice. Luckily, Brett went to Borstal with let’s call him Dwayne and the two have kept in touch with hand-written letters, mostly in crayon and/or blood. What follows are excerpts from these letters:
(October 28th 2015)
‘….Anyways, I turn to Loony Van Gaal and say “Eh boss, do we have to eat these placentas la?” and he was like all “Yesh, more plashentas means more irons, now look at my genitals….You ever shee balls like that Wayne?” I had to be honest: I hadn’t.’
(January 12th 2016)
‘He’s really getting us down now, Brett… This morning, at training, he made us wear different animal outfits. Which was fun but then we had to simulate sex acts with each other and describe what the resultant offspring would look like and the pros/cons of attempted cross-species breeding. And I had to ride a bike. I’m in no shape to be riding a bike’ Dwayne mumbled through a mouthful of Haribo.
(February 22nd 2016)
‘….came into today and he was just sitting there, wearing a nappy, drinking Old Spice and quoting N.W.A. lyrics.’
(March 1st 2016)
We were compiling the above excerpts in our bustling newsroom when the door buzzed. It was Dwayne with a tall man whom we instantly recognised as a colleague of Dwayne’s.
D: All right, la. You know Mic…
Us: CODENAMES, WAY.. er, DWAYNE!!
D: Oh, yeah! He turns to his companion: “Told you they were pros, “Lichael Larrick”. Wink.
LL: Did you just say “wink”?
D: I don’t think so.
LL: Pretty sure you just said “wink”.
D: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO WINK, OK? I’ve spent my whole life perfecting my first touch and just never had the time.
He breaks down. Lichael hugs him but rolls his eyes at us over Dwayne’s shoulder and mouths “first touch lol”.
Us: So lads, what can we do for you?
LL: Captain Tubs here mentioned he’d been corresponding with an old cellmate, and I just wanted to make sure that anything he’d said couldn’t be traced back to us. We have to be very careful these days when we’re playing at “sources”. You understand, right?
Us: Of course, er, Lichael. Please feel reassured that we never use names, we change quotes just enough so that they’re untraceable as well as throwing in the odd red herring so that our readers have to take everything with a pinch of salt.
D: That makes me hungry.
LL: We’ll stop at Maccy D’s on the way to Darrington.
LL: (sighs) And KFC.
D: (grins) Boss.
Us: So Lichael, do you believe that nothing you say about the club, good or bad, will ever get attributed to you by our three readers, all of whom are in this room right now?
Us: In that case, why don’t you tell us about the current malaise at the club? Maybe throw in something about negative training methods, how the Glazers are just using United as a piggy bank, or even the ineptitude of Woodward? The fans love all that stuff.
LL: Van Gaal is a cunt.
FADE TO BLACK
D: Nice article tags, tags.