@EchoingQuack (85 year-old teenage girl) – How much longer are you going to keep the whole kooky “ooh there’s four of us” schtick up? feels a bit tired TBH
TM: Fuck off cunt
BG: Until after either Paul gets the presidency or the rest of us are dead by his hand.
BU: I’m dead. Cos of the a joke where I’m a dead.
The 4th one: This is Paul.
@Jambear82 (11 year-old Taiwanese labrador) – Was there a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?
TM: See my previous response.
BG: Stories are told in my village of such a boy being born, but with a lack of racing sharks in rural Essex his claim to fame was nothing more than that: a claim to fame from which he made millions for the syndicated television rights.
The 4th one: I will see you in court.
@JMcKeownEsquire – (6 month-old Beanie Baby) – Why did they sack LVG, he was dead good in my opinion and how is his sacking the fault of the new lady Ghostbusters movie?
TM: Women cannot bust ghosts, they have neither the cranial brainiactrics nor the strength of arms to carry the proton accelerators. Also, your opinion is worthless.
BG: Vangle got the Spanish Archer because he was on his final written warning and then ruined the season by winning the FA Cup. He was also caught in a compromising situation with Zuul.
BU: You’re a lady Ghostbusters movie.
The 4th one: Oh my goodness.
@JMcKeownEsquire (312 year-old redwood) – Considering our failure to qualify for the Champions League this year do you think I should have Chinese for lunch?
TM: You asked this so long ago I can’t see how it’s now relevant.
BG: Try Thai, it’s like the best bits of Chinese food but from Thailand not China.
BU: Who are you? Johnny Two Questions? Choke on your number 34 with boiled rice.
The 4th one: Have whatever makes you feel happiest. I dine on joy.
@matthewgrima (3 year-old filly, zero wins) – Can you lead a horse to water and make it drink?
TM: Yes, you just tie a bunch of squirrels together.
BG: If you just drink your own wee you never have to move again.
The 4th one: Want a sugarlump?
@UtdRantcast (38 year-old Muppet aficionado, great leader, please don’t kill all of us, just Brett) – What sort of tin of Quality street is Marcus Rashford?
TM: Finally a sensible question – I would say like that tin of Quality Street you find at your Nan’s but it’s filled with gold Kruggerands and all your dreams.
BG: Like a tin filled with old, stolen jokes that scores top bangs against West Ham.
BU: The one you find at your Nan’s that gets lots of RTs and you actually wrote it.
The 4th one: Like the biggest tin you can imagine and it’s overflowing with the green triangles and maybe a couple of the purple ones.
@akaunclesteven (50 year-old unsuccessful pirate. Very unsuccessful) – How many times has Daley Blind cried since LVG left?
TM: Only two-handed questions will be answered.
BG: *a different wanking joke*
BU: Lol @ “different joke”.
The 4th one: Zero – he would drown if he cried because his face is so tiny.
@BeefInTheTaco (22 year old purveyor of fine confectionery) – REWSNA
TM: This is just nonsense.
BG: I don’t do politics.
BU: Starting to feel like people aren’t taking us seriouslyier.
The 4th one: hahahahaha very clever. For you.
Manchester United Season Review (2015/16)
TM: Well it started badly, kinda trailed off in the middle and the less said about the end the better. That aside, pretty good.
BG: Didn’t watch it.
BU: I’m dead.
The 4th one: Better than Moyes’ effort but not as good as some of Fergie’s. And Big Ron can go fuck himself.