Bifurcated Manchester United ~ Bifourthplacated Season Review

(Bifurcated – (n. adj. adv. v.) To half-arse something to the point of it being one-hundredth of a fourteenth of an arse and therefore of little consequence to anybody, alive or dead.)

IT’S FINALLY OVER!! NO MORE FOOTBALL EXCEPT THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL AND THE WOMEN’S WORLD CUP WHICH WE LOVE AND THE COPA AMERICA SO IN REALITY THERE’S SOME FOOTBALL BUT IT’S NOT REAL FOOTBALL!! We asked our handsome and witty internet friends, us, to ask us some questions about the football that happened while we were busy manufacturing the comedy gold you’ve come to worship because we thought we should do a review because all the cool kids are doing them but we only do previews which are like reviews but before the view has been re’d so therefore p=x where x is when I lost my train of thought.

These are the questions that Brett thought best summed up how we could review the season with the most minimum effort required:

1. Favourite Baller of the whole term?

2. Favouritest ball in the net shot?

3. Favourite home shirt colour?

4. Best Phil Jones moment that actually resembled a real football manouevre?

5. Best thing you saw happen with your own two eyes that wasn’t just a thing you heard about on the internet and then talked about until you actually believed you’d witnessed it yourself?

6. Why were the Thundercats loose?

7. Match you hated least?

8. Who is this?

9. Best stolen tweet?

10. Best Sepp Blatter?

Benno (@Benglorious)

Are we writing answers here or under each question in different colours/with our avis, can we use videos and how do we add videos and why do we bother?

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

1. I have to say, the Best of the Beatles.

2. When Mata scored the goal that looked like his legs were scissors and it was against that team that didn’t make Champions League

3. Pantone 1664 TPX

4. [FOOTAGE NOT FOUND]

5. Avengers: Age of Ultron

6. They weren’t so much ‘loose’ as they were fleeing the total destruction of their home world, Thundera. Surviving in stasis thanks to the noble sacrifice of Jaga, who piloted the ship until death (and then went very Obi-Wan with Lion-O. Can’t believe LucasFilm let that slide to be honest), the Thundercats eventually arrived Third Earth and were then ‘loosened’ upon discovery that they were not only followed by old mutant enemies but also under threat from Mumm-Ra, the ever-living. Although that was misleading because it only seemed to work if he slept for like 5 days at a time and never really did much.

7. I enjoyed the little flurry of results where we beat Spurs, City and The Steven Gerrard Tribute team. So those.

8. I’ll never tell

9. Has to be Lucia’s. Damn that Scott fella for making me confess.

10. Sepp Blatter. Has to be.

Also, can we change my picture back? I look like Matt Lucas after the weight loss.

Brett (@bifurcated_utd)

1. Paul.

2. The one where it was a kick and then it went in the side, and then we were all like “get in!”, and then it maybe wasn’t in, cos no-one was celebrating, and then we were all like “why is no-one celebrating?”, and then it wasn’t in and we were all like “Lol, I was sure that had gone in the net and not in the side!” and then after about some more minutes there was still someone who was all like “was it a goal or not?” and we were all like “shut up!” and they were all like “no” and then we were all like “yes”.

3. N/A I only like away shirt colours.

4. His name bit.

5. I didn’t see anything. The next thing I knew the jury was on fire.

6. Contrary to Tom’s theory on the origin of the term ‘loose’ with reference to the aforementioned Thundercats, it was in fact composer of the theme tune, Bernard Hoffer, who did something I haven’t made up as true. Thundercats creator Tobin Wolf was probably none too pleased when he heard it for the first time, but he probably grew to like it, eventually. He had it played at his wedding for the first dance with his wife – the cartoon actor who played Snarf irl, and at his funeral. Probably.

7. I just love all of them a lot.

8. Him.

9. @uptownbridal: Today we’re obsessing over Rachel & Doug!! The cake… the greenery… the stolen glances! #uptownbridal

10. Angela Lansbury.

Benno (@Benglorious)

Oh. I see what you’re doing.

1. Gotta be Roondog. Captain supreme. Led by example and that’s not Example the rapster whose real life name is EG, I’m talking about the good example. BURN. Roonface never missed a game even when he’d been knocked up by Gnarls Bardsley that time and then fell over on the grass. Does that make him cray-zeh?

2. Charlie Adams’s’s’s’s’s’s’s goal against Chelsea was very good and I expressed this quite eloquently on the Twitter:

However, the correct answer is any goal scored against Liverpool by any player at any time in history.

3. I’m colourblind so I find this question extremely insensitive, as well as being impossible to answer. Red.

4. He took a corner. For Manchester United. In a real match. He wasn’t the only player on the pitch. He took a corner.

5. I’m no grass.

6. My scroll thing has stopped working and I can’t remember what the other questions were.

7. The Desert Rats.

8. Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

9. Deep midwicket.

10. The Hamburglar.

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

That was the season that was. Pretty sure it had a 4 and an apostrophe in it somewhere. We’d like to thank all three of you for reading our stuff week in, week out. I’m only sorry that there’s not more games in a season so we could keep doing the same jokes even more. Please direct all complaints to my personal twitter account which is linked above twice and is also right after this colon: @tom_mcghee I put it in italics because I clicked something and I don’t know how to change it back. All compliments regarding anything should go to Brett: @bifurcated_utd because everything is his idea and he’s got that gun. All the money should go to Benno: @Benglorious because he’s the comedic mastermind behind the very best of @bifurcated_MBM when we aren’t stealing jokes. Just look at the amount of effort that went into this virus tweet: