Michael Adrian Carrick
What a performance.
I spent at least all of the Champions League Final in 2009 sat in my local acting out, in glorious Technicolor, a one man travelling Father Ted tribute act. A brief dalliance as Dougal as I stared blankly into the giant screen abyss of an unfathomable future of failure, interrupted briefly by my faultless Ted, anxiously shovelling cigarettes into my face. These were just the accoutrements, the warm up acts if you will, for my impeccable Father Jack, “Feck!…Arse!…Drink!…CARRICK!…”. (My mate Rob, a Liverpool fan, was a triumph in the part of Mrs Doyle…beckoning Barcelona forward, “Go on, Go on, Go on, Go on, Go on.” But I had to unfortunately cut him from the final edit).
Carrick. Michael Adrian Carrick. Michael Carrick. Carrick. Not Micky, Mick, Mike, Carro, Ricky, Caz, Cazza, MC, Macca, or any of the other endlessly recycled ‘terms of endearment’ derived from the component parts of his name. It’s Carrick. Michael Carrick. I’m sure there are some United fans who can point to numerous monikers they’ve heard or have indeed used themselves to refer to Carrick, but I am simply erring on the side of folly to illustrate my own point of view – that he hasn’t exactly been brought into the United bosom as one of our own as a little cheeky ‘nickname’ often facilitates.
What's my name?
Yes I know ‘The Michael Carrick debate’ is a bit old hat now and a great deal of the fetishisation of the subject has subsided but I just wanted to stick my own oar in along with everyone else. I only have two things to add, although don’t ever mistake the addition of the word ‘only’ to mean this won’t go on a bit 
1) Michael Carrick is not and never will be Paul Scholes, Roy Keane, Bryan Robson, Bobby Charlton etc…(repeat to fade). This is not his fault. If fans wish to have these players or damned near good impressions of these players constantly adorning our midfield then you need to send an S.A.E to ‘The secretary of The Universe’ or more specifically ‘The Sun’, asking for an explanation as to why our existence as football fans on this planet is detrimentally compromised by the fact our genetic make-up, born of all that ruddy star stuff, means we will never be blessed with the same great players twice.
2) Michael Carrick comes sans low centre of gravity. This is not his fault. He is in no way ‘a soft touch’. He is unfortunately, genetically predisposed to being, in scientific terms, ‘brushed off the ball very easily’.
3) I know I said only two points, but I remembered one more thing: Michael Carrick is actually better than our grandma’s. I organised a little knock about behind closed doors and although Michael was a little outnumbered he still managed to nick the win on penalties.
Now, we all know, begrudgingly or because we are the select few of the highest intellect, that Scholesy is one of the most gifted midfielders to have graced Old Trafford, nay the world. But, if he was in a category for best toothbrush he wouldn’t be regarded so highly (we all know if Scholesy was a toothbrush, we’d get Ginger-vitis). A terrible analogy, probably one of the worst and most nonsensical you’re likely to come across (I just had to get the Ginger-vitis joke in). What I’m trying to say whilst taking you round the houses a few times is this: Making direct comparisons with things we hold familiar and true and with players of past and present could be considered an entirely flawed pursuit. Unfortunately for Michael Carrick it is almost the only near tangible means we have of passing judgement on him.
Check my breath.
(As a footnote to the above paragraph) Of course we have statistics and for the most part they provide fans with succulent side dishes to the main meal. But for me they are mere garnish and in themselves are flawed. I don’t want to labour this point too much through fear of enraging all the stat fans. All I’m saying is how do you truly define a complete pass or an incomplete pass? When a player (1) of inferior quality executes a wayward pass which is controlled by a player (2) of superior technical ability, does that count as a complete pass by player 1? Yes, statistics don’t lie, but politicians do and they use them all the time.
I would much prefer players in our starting XI who in my opinion are better footballers than Michael Carrick, but these players aren’t endlessly available. I personally think players with Michael Carrick’s intelligence, ability, loyalty and team ethic should always be welcome members of any squad.
