Fellaini

(@Benglorious) David Moyes has gone from the heady heights of success with Everton, had a lucky escape from the quagmire that is Manchester United and is now back on top again at the Premiership League’s biggest club-that-plays-in-red-and-white-and-also-won-the-1973-FA-Cup-final. He’s a modern day hero, like Achilles but without the dodgy ankle. We should all aspire to be […]

United’s tactics have come under intense scrutiny after their second half display saw them revert to a flat back eleven. For those of you who are new to Association Football, a flat back eleven is kind of like a flat back twelve but without the extra character bought in on the heist and without the […]

This game will be forever remembered for something.         Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. Didn’t watch it but got 7 trophies on Tomb Raider instead. 2. Hope this helps. 3. Like 1 but with another game and less trophies. 4. Like 1 and 3 but with a life.

Our exclusive fan poll after the game revealed that, of the 665 billion United fans around the world, over 70% would rather eat their own death than watch the second leg of this game. In other news, our Kickstarter to have this game struck from the records has been flagged by the financial ombudsman, as […]

At Bifurcated we have been lobbying for a long time with the footballerers: it’s such a shame these results aren’t recorded in a table or league format, because by my calculations we’d be sitting proud in 6th place, and the whole world would be saying something about it every day of the week, and every […]

I can’t remember the last time I saw a vitally important overhead kick scored with such grace. Oh no wait! … of course, there was the Berba one. I’m sure we’ll see plenty more of that from Basti over the next decade or so, and hopefully beyond. If we’d scored more, the scoreline would have […]

  CAPS LOCK AND VARIOUS BUTTONS ON MY COMPUTER HAVE LEGIT GONE TO SHIT> SEND HELP> CAN”T EVEN DO PUNCTUATION> FUCK MY LIFE> Here’s 5 things we learned, which were written before the buttons issue above: 1. Pogba is bad. 2. #Pogba is worse. 3. Hope we long ball our way to next season’s Champions League Final. […]

   (@Benglorious) Winning nine matches in a row is lovely and a real morale booster, but eight of those wins were against West Ham and the other one was just Spurs so let’s not kid ourselves. Today is the real test: Liverpool. Their league position suggests they are ahead of us and they possibly do […]

AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEEEEEEVE US… WE’RE GONNA WIN THE LEAGUE cup semi final first leg. Lol @ Loserpool.     Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. That Fellaini/Keane/Lily Allen gag was pretty good. 2. For you. 3. Winning is good, we should […]

Middlesborough offered little resilience as the Red and White and a Little Bit of Black and a Little Bit Less of Yellowy Gold Army’s 2016/2017 express train to Titletown pulled into Old Trafford Station, like a train made of goals. Pogba and Martial were the conductors collecting tickets, as the passengers from the North East […]